With her revolutionary new album, Lady Gaga has invented a revolutionary word: Artpop.
It's like Pop Art, except that it's music instead of painting, and instead of pushing art forward, it daringly takes a huge step back. "Artpop" uses sound effects, unique lyrics and unusual instruments with a level of ineptitude previously believed to be impossible. You thought you heard the dumbest-sounding brass synth on your (shouldn't be a rapper) friend's mixtape? Creatively-titled "Jewels n' Drugs" is here to destroy that notion. Thought you'd heard the silliest lyrical attempt at combining romance and masturbation? "Sexxx Dreams" will stop at nothing to prove you wrong. Across the board, "Artpop" is a true award winner - Most Confusing Mispronunciation of a Word (G.U.Y.), Most Unappealing Sexual Comparison (Swine) and the Most Inappropriately Titled Closing Track in Context (Applause, which ironically, I enjoy).
All over the board, "Artpop" does things that confuse me as a listener and confound me as a critic. But when it comes down to it, Lady Gaga clearly doesn't care about making a critically acclaimed album. Rather, she made a fun one that does its own thing and parties to its own party. And although critics across the nation have panned the album, I think it's necessary to revolutionize the rating system for such an album that doesn't exactly work within its confines.
Because art is mostly subjective by nature, each rating should be personalized to the reader's taste. Just because something is poor from a critical standpoint doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. I mean, we went to high school dances and always complained about the music, but we still had a blast, didn't we? Let's face it: when it comes to music, whoever has the most fun really does win.
Now for the fun part! In order to find your "Artpop" rating, just answer the questions below and tally your points.
1. What is your favorite pastime?
a) Watching soap operas and chick-flicks on
Netflix. I don't care what you think!
b )Big, mindless parties, and more than that,
getting ready for such pa
ties. If you're a guy: smelling my own cologne.
If you're a gal: manicures, pedicures, makeup
and more.
c) Reading fiction novels. I wish I was at
Hogwarts.
d) Becoming a Super Smash Brothers/League
of Legends master.
e) Collecting vinyl records and reading
sophisticated blogs.
2. What would you most like to save the world from?
a) Sad movies and party poopers.
b) Hipsters.
c) A cool super villain.
d) Poorly cooked steaks.
e) Lady Gaga.
3. Which of these would you most consider art?
a) Pretty much anything I like.
b) Books, music, paintings, photos, scul
tures, literature - basically
anything in a gallery or a library.
c) Something someone does that has
meaning in it. Meaning makes art.
d) Something that has a cultural impact,
that
helps bring truth to light
and opens our eyes to new things.
e) Not Lady Gaga, that's for sure.
4. If you could be anyone, who would you be?
a) Lady Gaga, hands down.
b) A pop music star of my choice.
c) An actor from Harry Potter/Star Wars/Lord
of the Rings
d) A character from a classy realistic fiction
novel.
e) Someone too obscure to ever be mentioned
in The Observer.
Alright, you're done. Now give yourself five points for each "a," four for each "b," three for each "c," two for each "d," and one for each "e" you chose. Divide by four, round up or down to the nearest half, and you've got your shamrock rating! I got two shamrocks - "Artpop" isn't for me, but nothing's going stop me from having a good time when it's playing. I hope you enjoy "Artpop" no matter what the haters say, and if it's just not for you, that you show mad respect for those who do. As Bill and Ted once said - stay excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
Contact John Darr at jdarr@nd.edu
