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Let thy marshmallows fly

Observer Editorial | Thursday, November 21, 2013

Marshmallows – the devil’s work, or the devil himself?
It happens every year. The air gets colder. The nights get darker.  The sins get graver.
Sins and sinners may come in all shapes and sizes, but this Saturday should strike fear in the hearts of every God-loving man and woman on Earth, for on this most fateful and treacherous of almost-Sabbaths, a fourth of this storied institution will join together at Notre Dame Stadium in the most heinous and defiling act mankind has ever seen: The senior class marshmallow throw.
Yes, we, the Editorial Board of The Observer, the sole unifying voice of moral authority for all things Notre Dame, can hear your gasps of shock and shame.
You might ask “What prompts this act of aggression most evil?” Fun, for one thing. A sense of unity as a senior class, for a second. And third, how could we forget that most vile of nouns: tradition. Shudder.
Fun, unity and tradition – when did these crimes become a part of Notre Dame? When did it become okay for any student to do anything that hasn’t been pre-approved by SAO, the pope and the Holy Spirit?
The Bible clearly states that Jesus handed out fish and bread. He didn’t just lightly and aimlessly toss them into the air for the fun of it. Who are the seniors to presume that they’re better than Jesus? Shame, shame, shame on them.
Imagine the horror.
Notre Dame seniors are seeing their last-ever home game as undergraduate students. Halftime comes. Suddenly, out of nowhere, hundreds of light, fluffy bits of sugar and gelatin go flying tens of feet into the air before floating back to the earth at the acceleration of gravity, not taking wind resistance into effect. It’s truly a shock that there haven’t been more marshmallow-related concussion incidents reported in recent years.
And, lest you be tempted by Satan himself to take part in this immoral deed, remember that you’re not supposed to actually have fun, or celebrate unity and tradition. Any marshmallows found on students at the stadium gates will be confiscated, in order to prevent the weak of spirit from further staining their souls.
This policy leads to a lesser, but still terrifying, sin – deception. Students will attempt to smuggle marshmallows into the game at any cost, whether the act requires filling flasks full of marshmallow fluff, forcing freshmen to act as marshmallow pack mules or even using rope-and-pulley systems to haul bags of the fluffed and puffed evil over the stadium walls.
So, seniors, with your dirty shoes to prevent ruining good ones and your tied-up or covered hair to prevent finding congealed marshmallow in it during your post-game festivities, we leave you with this final admonition, this final rebuke, this final measure of moral authority:
Don’t take part in the so-called marshmallow throw, for if you do, history will certainly remember you as the worst people ever and your soul will be damned to the deepest depths of hell for all eternity.
In all seriousness, we do have two small requests from the seniors. One, don’t be the dingus who ruins it for everyone by sticking a coin or a rock in a marshmallow, because that could really hurt somebody. Second, remember that we are creating a sizable, sticky marshmallow mess that has to be cleaned up. Please do your best to clean up what bags and trash you can to help our wonderful stadium staff.
Otherwise, let thy marshmallows fly.