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Eight good reasons for ‘Breaking Bad’

Dan Brombach | Wednesday, December 11, 2013

It’s that wonderful time of year. The permacloud has swallowed the sun. South Quad is once again an Arctic wind tunnel. The library is buzzing with the collective whining hum of thousands of students/martyrs preparing to offer themselves on the altar of finals, sleeping in study rooms and shampooing their hair with their own tears. More importantly, Christmas break is almost upon us.

The world is my oyster during Christmas break, and as such, I choose to spend this year’s oyster lying on my couch re-watching all of “Breaking Bad.” Thinking about the hours of programming glory that await me, and still mourning the tragic cancellation of “Low Winter Sun,” I have compiled a list of the top eight ways “Breaking Bad” could have ended but didn’t. Why only eight reasons, you ask? Why not 10? Probably because I couldn’t think of 10 reasons that wouldn’t get me fired.

It goes without saying that this column will contain spoilers. If you keep reading and blame me for ruining “Breaking Bad” for you then, well, you probably voted for Ralph Nader in the last election.

1) Walter Jr. beats out Tommy Rees for the starting quarterback job, wins the Heisman and dedicates it to Uncle Hank. Notre Dame goes on to beat Pittsburgh, and thus I go on not to cry myself to sleep.

2) Heisenberg (Walter White) turns out to be the guy who sent Ricin to Obama.

3) Heisenberg is actually Obama.

4) “Breaking Bad” was actually “Low Winter Sun” the whole time.

5) Walt mounts a machine gun on his car and drives through the ND Wall Street Forum. He is quickly thanked and absolved of all charges.

6) Skyler uses Walt’s money to finally have the stick removed from her, well, you know.

7) The show’s characters realize they’re living in Arizona, spend the rest of the episode wondering why exactly they’re living in Arizona.

8) Walter Jr. challenges Walt to a breakdance contest, takes this “to the streets” as Skyler looks on disapprovingly.

Happy finals week to all. Enjoy your remaining time in the wonderful, festive city of lights and dreams that is South Bend, Ind., and have an awesomely unproductive Christmas break. I know I will.