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Lorton: King of the court … and movies? (Dec. 6)

Isaac Lorton | Friday, December 6, 2013

What is an NBA star supposed to do when he becomes too big for the game that made him famous?

Show business, obviously.

Once a player has transcended the realm of the average player, basketball becomes boring for him. Posterizing dunks are mundane. Behind-the-back passes are just blah. Stepping onto the court no longer holds the same thrill and excitement that it did when he was a younger. Thus, rather than step on the court, the player steps onto the stage. The best example of this is Michael Jordan.

Remember when Michael Jordan defeated a group of power-hungry aliens alongside Bill Murray and Newman in order to save the Looney Tune characters from being kidnapped and objected to a lifetime of forced servitude?

I do, and it was awesome.

No longer could mere mortal human beings beat Michael Jordan in basketball – they all tried and failed. The game had become too simple for him. So Jordan had to take down a horde of extraterrestrials in order to show the universe that he was the best basketball player to ever step or leap onto a court.

Sadly, this never happened in real life, but it goes to show Michael Jordan had become so good the only things that could come close to beating him were made-up characters in a movie. In order to play out this imagined scenario, Jordan had to become an actor.

Since the early 1990s, it seems to be the ultimate goal of an NBA player to become a movie star, television series regular, director/producer or even a rapper – anything more than just an NBA player.

Shaquille O’Neal tried to be both a movie star and rapper. He starred in the movie Kazaam and Steel in 1996 and 1997, respectively. Both movies were terrifically bad. Shaq also rapped. He produced four albums (Shaq Diesel, Shaq Fu: Da Return, You Can’t Stop the Reign and Respect) by 1996. What happened to the fifth album, Shaq Attack is Back?

Early in his career, Kobe Bryant also dabbled in the hip-hop game. He rapped with a group called CHEIZAW. He was signed to Sony Records in 1998 and had a song with Tyra Banks entitled “K.O.B.E.,” but was dropped from the label by 2000. He should have rapped about Shaq.

Kevin Durant recently starred in a movie called Thunderstruck, where he switched talents with a clumsy teenager. Clever.

Dwyane Wade is currently working on a sitcom called “Three the Hard Way” for FOX. The sitcom will be about an NBA player who is also a single father. Clever.

But what about Wade’s teammate, “The King?” With all of the other NBA stars looking for fame beyond the NBA, it was only a matter of time before the drama-loving diva, Lebron James, actualized his dream to be in a Hollywood movie. Unfortunately, the film is not an in-depth tear-jerker about the confused misunderstood superstar entitled Indecision.James will work alongside comedian Kevin Hart in a movie called Ballers, which centers around the younger brother of an NBA star attending a fantasy basketball camp. Obviously, Hart will play the NBA star, and James will play the unknown brother. Filming is supposed to begin in Miami next summer. Can’t wait.

Once again, James has missed a huge opportunity to do something momentous in his career.
He should have done a sequel to Space Jam – Space Jam-Packed.

Thufferin Thuccotash. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
Lebron James, Bugs Bunny, Lola Bunny, Daffy Duck, Sylvester the Cat, Tweety, Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd. All make a triumphant return to inter-stellar basketball to overcome another invasion of hapless aliens who gain super skills.

Hart, like Bill Murray, could have been the cool comedian friend, who, at 5-foot-3, is ill equipped to play basketball but has a lot of heart. Jonah Hill could easily step into the bumbling roll of Wayne Knight and play Stan, the over-eager Lebron James pleaser.Think about it. This movie would be so bad – like every other NBA player’s attempt at fame outside the league – but it would be oh so good.

And then the conversation could commence about whether Jordan or James is the best ever Looney Tunes savior.       

Contact Isaac Norton at ilorton@nd.edu.

The views expressed in this Sports Authority are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.