DeFranks: Nothing ‘Super’ about this Bowl
Matthew DeFranks | Monday, February 3, 2014
When I got to class Monday morning, people were asking each other about the Super Bowl. I mean, it is the biggest sporting event in America, of course people were talking about it.
But most of the questions were some form of “Hey, why was an opera singer singing the national anthem?” or “How tall is Bruno Mars?” or “How cute was that little puppy in the Budweiser commercial?”
Before the Seahawks stampeded the Broncos 43-8 on Sunday in New Jersey, people were asking “Will Peyton Manning retire a champion?” or “What action is Marshawn Lynch ‘bout?” or “Why does Richard Sherman have so many Beats commercials?”
Maybe the post-game questions were just as ridiculous as the ones posed before the blowout, but there is a reason they were not about the game — because it was not a game.
For the first time since I learned the difference between an offensive tackle, a defensive tackle and a tackle, I did not watch the second half of the Super Bowl. It was the worst Super Bowl of my lifetime.
The Broncos were in over their heads, and it showed on the very first snap.
While Manning was presumably yelling some random Midwest city (was there a possibility he said “South Bend” at all Sunday night?) at his offensive line, center Manny Ramirez launched the ball from the 14-yard line into the end zone. With the errant snap, Denver had given away points, the ball and any chance of winning the championship.
But that was only one of Denver’s comedy of errors. Manning was responsible for three turnovers and receiver Demaryius Thomas fumbled the ball away in the third quarter. While the Seattle defense should be credited with forcing those mistakes, the Broncos game film is as bad as “That’s My Boy.” Wes Welker was Andy Samberg to Peyton Manning’s Adam Sandler.
Had the Broncos held possession for all 60 minutes, the Seahawks would have still won. (Yeah, I know fatigue and other stuff would have set in and everything but just bear with me.) The Legion of Boom and Co. outscored the best offense in NFL history, 9-8.
Seattle needed just 39 yards from Lynch to win by five touchdowns. The game’s leading rusher was actually a receiver who didn’t play in a full game all season and also returned a kickoff for a touchdown (that’d be Percy Harvin). Seattle was so much better than Denver on Sunday the Seahawks didn’t even need their best weapon on offense to even show up.
You know what else failed to show up? All the funny Super Bowl commercials.
While the adorable little lab in the Budweiser commercial was the cutest thing in a Super Bowl since Drew Brees’ son, the ad made me want to move somewhere warm and run around with a hoard of puppies instead of buying some beer.
When people are hailing a lame Doritos time machine-themed ad as one of the best commercials of the night, something went wrong somewhere. Oh, and did Tim Tebow finally get his revenge on Peyton Manning with his “No Contract” T-Mobile commercial? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But it sure looked much better than T-Mobile’s other ad, which appeared to use Magenta from Blue’s Clues as a backdrop.
Speaking of strange colors appearing on television, was I the only one who thought the crowd, with all its lime green and orange, looked more like a music festival than a football game?
Maybe they simply thought they were attending a Bruno Mars concert instead of a football game.
Well, they weren’t that far off.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.