To the students of Notre Dame,
Every year this happens. Every year, the most despicable group of boys at this once renowned university feel it is their right to disturb the status quo and make Notre Dame feel like one big joke. Sometimes I lie awake at night, haunted by my memories of Gregory, the Mermaid of St. Joseph’s Lake. The horror. I feel it is my personal and sacred duty to speak out against this monstrosity that threatens the very integrity of this campus.
I am talking about, as you all may have guessed, THE KEENAN REVUE. Now THE KEENAN REVUE is taking place this Thursday, Friday and Saturday at 7 p.m. in the Stepan Center. I don’t know why anyone would want to go to the Stepan Center at 7 p.m. this Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
First of all, why would anyone want to go to the Stepan Center and have to encounter flashbacks of DomerFest, Statistics exams and DomerFest? I am sure all of you are very busy at 7 p.m. this Thursday, Friday and Saturday, much too busy to trek all the way to the Stepan Center and see THE KEENAN REVUE.
Besides, this year The-Hall-That-Must-Not-Be-Named has decided to have this year’s theme be IT’S NOT REVUE, IT’S ME: A BREAKUP REVUE. What kind of pun is that?! I guess they think there are plenty of jokes and material about relationships at these fine institutions. Well, I’ll tell you one thing: they’re wrong. The gender relations here are top notch; just ask the Gender Relations Center! Besides, my girlfriend and I have been dating since our eighth-grade private-school days. That’s normal and healthy, isn’t it?
THE KEENAN REVUE is worse than Harry Potter. It’s worse than The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. It’s worse than Breaking Bad! It’s just as sinful and immoral as that show, but instead of five seasons of sin, it’s been 38 years of sin! Terrible skits, live animals, rock ‘n’ roll and hip gyrations by those dancers that remind me of Elvis Presley, Satan himself. It’s enough to make you feel sick to your stomach.
Anyway, I’ve had it with THE KEENAN REVUE and this public service announcement should dispel the rest of this campus from heading to THE KEENAN REVUE at 7 p.m. this Thursday, Friday or Saturday. Why go to a free show? It’s practically socialism. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Yours,
Seamus
Seamus Ronan
sophomore
Keenan Hall
Feb. 18
