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Why do men have nipples?

| Thursday, February 20, 2014

Spring break is rolling right around the corner. I’m sure you’ve been lifting hardcore to perfect your physique, preparing yourself for beach time and lying in the sun, but are you prepared for the potentially awkward conversations you could have with complete strangers?

Don’t be scared, there is a solution to your problem! My friend, who was unimpressed with my inability to have interesting conversations, bought me the book “Why Do Men Have Nipples?” by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg.

Even the title makes you want to ask more. (Seriously, why do guys have nipples though). The book is full of answers to a collection of big questions about the oddities of our bodies and minds.

Questions range from ones you never thought to ask such as “Can I lose my contact lens inside my head forever?” to ones you never questioned such as “Does warm milk help you fall asleep?”

Don’t worry about the legitimacy of the book, it was co-written by Billy Goldberg, an emergency physician who compiled answers to questions his patients asked him over the years (he’s a doctor = what he says is right).

This book is extremely useful in improving your social skills. I can confirm this on a personal account. If you ever come to an awkward pause in a conversation, instead of chatting about the weather, pull one of these: “Anyway, did you know that morning breath is caused by the combination of anaerobic bacteria, the xerostomia and volatile sulfur compounds that build up in your sleep?” That will surely get the conversation rolling.

Study the questions before spring break and you will be prepared for any situation on the spot. You will never have to talk about that one calculus test you killed freshman year or how you lost your bike in the snow ever again.

Get online (don’t drive anywhere, you will never escape the snow filled parking lot labyrinth) and order “Why Do Men Have Nipples” by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg right now. This could possibly be the best choice you have ever made.

You’ll be more confident than ever when you see that cute girl on the beach, I’m sure she’s extremely curious as to why you can ignite a fart.

 

The views expressed in the Inside Column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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