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A Valentine for every major

| Sunday, February 9, 2014

It’s the second week in February, Notre Dame, which means it’s time to move on from whatever terrible decisions you made last weekend and start planning for the ones you’ll make on Valentine’s Day.
As with every February, it comes this year with a bundle of questions. For some it’s what to do for the big day; for others, it’s how to best begrudgingly ignore it as they return to Facebook and unfortunately placed ChristianSingles.com ads. Students everywhere will venture forth with romantic gestures that range in quality from Noah’s 365 letters to a fluorescent-lit dinner at Taco Bell. What follows is a preview of how Friday will play out for some across campus. At best, it could be the night of your dreams. At worst, it could get more awkward than me at the middle school dance, with just as many feet stepped on. May the odds be ever in your favor.
History: “On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you Thursday?” “For you? Mao’s China.”
Psychology: Thought hypnosis would be a fun Valentine’s Day event. Restraining order says otherwise.
Education: Says they don’t need another Valentine, citing the 27 valentines they received from their third grade student-teaching class.
English: Declares their love akin to Romeo and Juliet. Clearly never read the final act.
Irish Studies: Decides to give up Guinness after last year’s debacle. Hello, Jameson!
FTT: Tries to film a RomCom to impress date. Comes off more like McLovin than Ryan Gosling.
Spanish: Proposes to date while posing as Don Juan. College Republicans file for his deportation.
Finance: Watches girl walk by at the bar, drunkenly announcing, “That’s a girl you could bring home to your wife.” Fiancée isn’t amused. Realizes he should probably short his marriage.
Nursing: Goes to football formal. Given that her date was a member of the offense, it’s no surprise he doesn’t score.
Medieval Studies: Plans out date and gets permission from date’s father. Neglects to get actual date’s approval.
Math: “Statistics tell me we won’t last, but let’s take a chance anyway.” Statistics were right.
Classics: Teams up with civil engineer roommate to erect a Valentine’s monument outside date’s dorm. Insists they call it the ‘Trojan Horse.’
Music: In an ode to “Frozen,” serenades date with “Do You Want to Build a Snowman?” Date says no.
Accounting: Despite their debit and credit prowess, failed to account for the fact that trying to juggle three dates in one night is bound to get caught by the audit staff.
Physics: Announces his love to be as infallible as String Theory. Didn’t make sense to us, either.
Marketing: Wins over classmate with midterm marketing presentation on why they should go out. Professor not amused, but completely worth it. Witnesses will later describe it as “totes adorbs.”
Russian: Stares longingly into poster of a shirtless Vladimir Putin while enjoying Kamchatka’s finest export.
Seminarians: Bingo night with Sisters of Holy Cross. I decided against using ‘seminal event’ for this one. You’re welcome.
Gender Studies: Too busy ranting against the outrageous sexism of Siegfried’s ‘Day of Man’ to bother with Valentine’s Day.
Naval Science: Embarks on a voyage with naval officers Morgan and Nelson before trying to reenact the ‘Top Gun’ bar scene. Less “Maverick in the bar,” more “Goose in the ejection seat.”
Japanese: I actually don’t know any Japanese majors, so let’s just say they enjoy a romantic evening.
Chemistry: Tries to whip up a “love potion.” Blows up Jordan. Called to hearing with Community Standards and Professor Snape.
Philosophy: Creates philosophically perplexing argument to explain it’s not his fault he thought her sister was her last Thursday at Feve.
Electrical Engineer: Writes love letter to perfect effect, impressing date who didn’t realize they could communicate through anything other than lab reports.
Theology: Spends night worrying about how to introduce Protestant date to parents.
Political Science: Tries to win over heart with a witty Observer column. Ends up watching the Olympics in his boxers with his roommates while eating Subway.

Matt Miklavic is a junior political science and finance major from Cape Elizabeth, Maine. He once asked a girl out on a date. He can be reached at mmiklavi@nd.edu.
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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