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Candy wall crush test

| Wednesday, October 15, 2014

My friends and I have been developing a theory for quite some time now. Though what we propose may be viewed as a rather unfounded claim or too trivial for university-funded research, it could be quite valuable for this school’s student body. We believe there is a lot you can tell about people simply based on the contents of their candy wall bags from the Huddle. We’ve developed this idea much further than just identifying an individual as “sweet” or “sour.” A glimpse into someone’s paper bag of candy provides a preview of his or her most fundamental characteristics. One particular assortment of sweets can serve as the window to the soul.

Bearing our proposal in mind, the Huddle’s candy wall seems the perfect place to take that special ND crush on a first date. This outing will give you the inside scoop (pun totally intended) on your date’s personality and may even foretell the future of a relationship with this special somebody. The other night my friends and I took a 1 a.m. trip to LaFun to explore each available sweet treat and interview some candy wall customers, asking questions like, “What would you like to see in your significant other’s bag?”

One student answered that every time he goes to the candy wall, he likes to experiment with different assortments and try new things. He hopes his crush might have a similar approach.

Take what you will from this. It could mean nothing, but I think a lot can be deduced from this student’s particular candy wall preferences.

A bit of light research and many groundless assumptions have lead me to develop a basic overview of what various sweet assortments could insinuate about a person. I’ve outlined a few of these below.

Only chocolates: You are on a date with one sultry soul. Your ND crush most likely has a complex and rich character and is probably worth getting to know on a deeper level. However, if you aren’t prepared for savory nights of profound talks, red wine and Adele playing softly in the background, you may want to make this your last candy wall rendezvous.

 The sour, sugarcoated and colorful: Sour Patch Kids, gummy worms and peach rings are sure signs of extroversion and outgoingness. This individual has tons of energy but isn’t the most attentive, and may have difficulty concentrating. Your candy wall crush may not be the best person to study with, but is definitely a fun time on the weekends! Club Fever’s dance floor should be the next meeting spot.

Large amount of candy corn: This person is going to be fun to date for a while, but after spending too much time with this individual, you may get sick of it … conceivably to the point of nausea. Yikes! Too many candy corns is a sure sign that this relationship may not be of the long-term variety. Aim to keep this fling seasonal.

Swedish Fish: If your “bae” selects a sizeable amount of Swedish Fish, this could be a sign that you’re on a date with someone a bit basic. These gummies are easily the most rudimentary candies the Huddle has to offer, a bit bland and unoriginal. Nevertheless, you’re going to need further evidence before diagnosing your candy wall date with “the basic.” Wearing Lulu Lemon yoga pants or Vineyard Vines? Suggesting stopping by Starbucks for non-fat vanilla lattes after the Huddle? These additional factors can also indicate basic-ness.

The prepackaged, wrapped stuff: This individual prefers to play it safe and is always on top of everything. Though maybe not that easy-going, there are some definite positives to dating a cautious person.  For example, this relationship could lead to the development of some great time management and organizational skills!

Too much of one thing: Your date has a propensity for putting all their eggs in one basket. In other words, he or she could end up being totally dependent on you and things could get clingy. Look closely for any hint of variety. If your date fills the bag with both malt balls and Jelly Bean Raspberry, you’re probably in the clear, as these individuals are simply very confident in what they like. If there is literally only one type of treat in their sack, you may want to take a step back — this is the first date, after all. Nothing serious.

Just a bag of blow pops: This is just really bizarre. I, personally, would stay away.

But who knows … could be your thing.

Paige Affinito is a junior Accounting and English major. She has found that humor is much easier to capture in 140 characters than in 700 words. She can be reached at paffinit@nd.edu 

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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