I find myself wishing for a lot of things during this holiday season, none more so than a playoff birth for my beloved Ravens. Yet, this is the season of giving. So, rather than publicizing all the things I am wishing for, I’ll take a moment to note all the things I wish I could share with my best friends in the NFL.
Joseph Randle: a year’s supply of underwear. No man should ever feel the need to steal underwear just to have a fresh pair ready.
Johnny Manziel: Pettine’s favorite holiday desert (I’m going to guess pumpkin pie… he strikes me as a pumpkin pie kind of guy). Johnny, I think bribes may be required to get you on the field (insert famous money-sign hand-motion)
ESPN: a Johnny Manziel FatHead, so they can to talk to the FatHead about the controversial quarterback, rather than us, when he does get the nod.
Marshawn Lynch: a louder microphone and more Skittles for encouragement. I had trouble hearing the seventh “yeah” of his twelve postgame affirmative responses. I also respect you for standing up to a very weird rule in the NFL.
Cam Newton: some superhero help. After Sunday’s brawl, I think it’s best if we stay dressed as Clark Kent and keep the Superman celebration on the shelf for a couple weeks.
Antonio Brown: slippers. Much safer for kicking punters with.
Spencer Lanning: An ice pack. See above. It has to still hurt. I’m sorry Spence.
Rob Gronkowski: better friends. Leave Bieber for the girls, Gronk. There are people closer in age to hang out with, I promise.
The Jets: a quarterback. Note: Tommy Rees is an available free agent. It’s Tommy Time in the Big Apple.
Tom Brady: a pair of Timberland boots. Put the Uggs away Thomas, there is better winter gear out there.
Kyle Orton: more chewing tobacco. If the addiction has gotten so bad you have to chew during the game, I’m sure you could use some more.
Odell Beckham Jr: an extra hand. Stop making everyone else look bad.
Haloti Ngata: a babysitter. WARNING: mixing Adderall with childrearing can lead to severe side effects, including excessive crying and diaper changes. I don’t think any young father wants to have better focus when changing diapers.
Jay Gruden and Robert Griffin III: couple’s counseling. We all hit rough patches, and successful relationships take work. Hug it out boys.
The NFC South: more wins and no home field advantage in the playoffs. You’re making the league’s terrible rules look even more terrible.
NFL officials: more restraint during the most penalized year in NFL history. Be a nice fellow and avoid throwing the yellow.
The Bills: a dome. It will probably snow again soon.
J.J. Watt: receiver gloves. Three routes run, three touchdown receptions. Think bigger J.J., you can make a career on that side of the ball too.
Ryan Fitzpatrick: a calculator. We get it, your son is really smart. Stop rubbing it in; knowing how to multiply 93 and 97 in your head is an impractical skill.
Demarco Murray: a better nickname. You can do better than “Spray Tan.” Also, be better to your college teammates.
Jonas Gray: a better alarm. No more sleeping through meetings, especially when your coach is Bill Belicheck.
NFL fans: more popcorn. The absurdity of this season is far from over.
Listen, I know my writing is well-read in many NFL circles. So, if you’re an NFL player and feel slighted that you were off the list, feel free to reach out to me. I’ll be sure to hit up the man in red so that your wishes, like those of the players mentioned in this article, come true.
To all, a happy holidays and much love. Wish for wonderful things and may they all become a reality.
