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Taste the blast

| Friday, February 20, 2015

In ancient times, the Greeks believed the Olympian gods imbibed nectar and ate ambrosia. If any human being were to taste this divine food, they would immediately become immortal and gods themselves.

In the 16th century, Spanish conquistadors tore apart the Caribbean and Florida searching for the Fountain of Youth, desperate to drink from its depths.

And yet none of these poor souls tasted the fruits of their labors. Misguided and sorely addled, they passed on, unaware that the greatest of all foods was still to come.

Then, in the 1970s, a wonderful man by the name of Louis Shalhoub came up with an invention that was to change the course of culinary history. Using sugar and dried apricots, he produced the first ever fruit snack, and nothing was ever the same again.

Few foods are as versatile as the fruit snack. Both delicious and nutritious, it is the perfect snack food for almost any occasion.

They are filling, but not dense. You can consume as many as you want and still feel great.

They are convenient. They last practically forever and retain their freshness, but are not dry and tasteless like so many other non-perishable foods.

They don’t need to be refrigerated, and they won’t melt in the sun, provided it is not 140 degrees outside, which isn’t likely any time soon.

They are, at least nominally, healthy. I mean, the word “fruit” is in the name. You’ll definitely get all the vitamin C you need.

That being said, they’re not too healthy. They still taste fantastic, mostly because they are almost completely 100 percent sugar.

Their texture is fantastic — gooey and sticky and delicious. There’s a reason they make vitamins for kids in gummy form and that reason is because everyone likes gummies.

My personal favorite fruit snacks are Fruit Gushers, made by Betty Crocker. I have been unable to find who invented these little miracles, despite hours of research. Whoever it was, they most assuredly have a high place of honor in heaven reserved for them.

Some may find my obsession with fruit snacks odd. They may express distaste for their taste, their texture or the way that they tend to get stuck in the crevices of your teeth. To these poor souls, I can only extend my deepest sympathy, for you are truly missing out.

I believe that scientists of the future will look back at this age, seeking to discover how we survived in the face of so many problems — global warming, war, economic distress and pollution. And when they do, they will find the truth startling.

“Fruit snacks?” they’ll ask. “Really?”

Really.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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About Greg Hadley

Greg Hadley is a senior from Rockville, Maryland, majoring in political science with a minor in Journalism, Ethics and Democracy. He served as The Observer's Editor-in-Chief for the 2015-2016 term and currently covers Notre Dame baseball and women's basketball.

Contact Greg
  • Miguel Tomas

    And people wonder why you’re still single.