On April 26, 2013, trumpets were blown, speeches made, ribbons cut and out of the shadowy eastern edges of Notre Dame’s fabled campus, a quadrangle was born.
We named her Knott Quadrangle. She was our quadrangle and we loved her. Her verdant meadows pushed eastward from Knott Hall to the B2 parking lot, stretching from the N 41° 42’ 13.8895’’ parallel to the N 41° 42’ 10.0398’’ parallel. In crisp fall air, we tossed footballs across her lawn, crunchy with fallen leaves. And when life returned to South Bend, she hosted many a springtime grill-out. Such was our Eden.
But then on March 18, an iron curtain fell between Knott Hall and our beloved Quadrangle. Our paradise was lost. They’re digging deep into her soil, and by 2016, a dorm will arise.
This aggression has shaken us from the romance of our agrarian past and we’re now determined to defend our property rights. Nonetheless, we remain reasonable men willing to negotiate with the University for fair use of our Quadrangle.
We have but three demands:
First, Knott Quadrangle must retain its God-given name. We loudly denounce any schemes to absorb Knott Quad into Mod Quad or rename this portion of campus “East Quad.”
Second, we demand naming rights for the new dorm built on our Quadrangle. We have shortlisted the following names: Knott Hall II, Not Knott Hall and Knott Hall: The Sequel.
Finally, the University must pay for the use of Knott Quad in the form of dormitory improvements. After the fall of Knott Quad, we became aware of our nakedness in the dorm shower stalls and we subsequently realized that the curtains on every stall are six inches too narrow. We must have shower curtains that ensure our privacy. We further demand a functional plumbing system. This fall, filthy water containing tiny worms gurgled up sporadically from the sinks of one of your authors and his next door neighbors.
For these demands, we will picket Knott Quad at 5 p.m. on March 27. We look forward to working with the University to secure a bright future for our Quadrangle.
Andrew Weiler
hall president emeritus
senior
Knott Hall
Joe Schneider
hall president
junior
Knott Hall
March 26
