Today, I am seeking applications for my Yacht Dance date. On the surface, this is a simple request. You are being asked to put your best foot forward and see if you have what it takes to attend the swankiest, most regal of events this University has to offer with the outgoing St. Edward’s president. While this is true, I’d like to call to mind the gravity of this request.
How often in life do we have opportunities to reach greatness? How often do those opportunities require nothing more than 5-15 minutes of your time, a can-do attitude and a propensity for excessive amounts of fun? Almost never. I urge you to seize this opportunity and set yourself up for a night you shan’t easily forget. You owe it to yourself to wine, dine and dance in the greatest city in all of the Midwest with the most generous of gentlemen, the men of St. Edward’s Hall, and their lovely dates.
A little about myself: I am a junior from a suburb of Chicago. I am white, Irish-Catholic, and I have brown hair. I enjoy sports, music, TV and inexpensive light beer. I am a below-average golfer, above-average Shmoney-dancer and former host of the hit WVFI radio show “Caliente Railroad.” I’m worthy of your application, that is a guarantee.
All applications will be accepted and assessed fairly. So maybe you just broke up with your significant other and are looking for a solid rebound. The best revenge is living well they say. Or maybe you’re the Kanye girl from “The Irish Bachelor,” who would’ve made the show 100 times more watchable, that Dawson eliminated the first show. Or while we’re at it, maybe you’re the blonde girl from “The Irish Bachelor” that had the nerve to not accept the invitation to the next round. That’s savage disregard for the way the show works, and I have no choice but to respect that. All are welcome.
You were born to be sailors, every one of you. The dance is April 29 and applications are due this Friday at 11:59:46 p.m.
Yours in any generic boat-related pun.
Mike Murphy
junior
