SUB Concert Predictions
With just eight class days left in the semester, now seems like a perfect time for the Student Union Board to announce its annual spring concert. Current rumors range from Jesse McCartney to Viper the Rapper, so there is bound to be something great up SUB’s sleeves for us. Still, the Scene staff is here with suggestions to make the spring concert a mind-melting, magical experience, the likes of which Notre Dame has never seen before. These are our hopes and dreams for what SUB could pull off with its funding, capability and Notre Dame branding and our predictions for when those fall flat.
Ideally — Kanye West
Obviously. I can picture it now: an outdoor event under Touchdown Yeezus — or in the middle of St. Joseph’s lake. However, due to funding, space and a campus unsuited to his trill level, we would be lucky to get T-Pain. Or maybe not because he is also too trill for us, apparently.
Realistically — Holograms
Maybe we could get Kanye and T-Pain holograms. Can the engineers or people in the radiation building work on this? That way we are relying on our smarts and not our trill to get us what we want/need.
Ideally — Paul McCartney
This way I can see him live without paying $300 for a Lolla ticket.
Realistically — Chance the Rapper
However, the odds of that happening are slim to none, so more realistically, the headliner should be Chance the Rapper. He’s nice and close, being from Chicago, isn’t too famous yet to be impossible to book, and most importantly he writes killer songs with catchy beats. Chance is an enthusiastic performer who would get the crowd on its feet singing along. He’s also super involved in decreasing violence in Chicago, so he’s pretty much a great person overall. Fingers crossed he makes it to campus in the next two weeks to headline the SUB spring concert.
Ideally — Jaden Smith
The 16-year-old progeny of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith is the most important teenager of our time and his performance would be amazing and all over the place. He would wear a dress, continuing a recent string of sartorial choices challenging gender stereotypes. He would read from his amazing Twitter feed, a collection of surreal, philosophical thoughts like “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” He would sing some of the woozy, melancholy rap tracks he’s posted to SoundCloud, and younger sister Willow would come out to sing “Whip My Hair.” He would probably deliver a lecture on metaphysics.
Realistically — Chamillionaire
It’s been nine years since “Ridin’” hit number one on the Hot 100, so the Houston rapper is probably washed up enough to headline a SUB concert.
Ideally — Kendrick Lamar
Coming off his second instant-classic in a row, rapper Kendrick Lamar addresses Notre Dame taboo issues like race, depression and cultural identity. His music runs a gauntlet of groovy, danceable styles that will trick students into displaying normal concert behaviors like dancing, clapping along to songs and — gasp — showing general interest in the performance. A huge name in both mainstream and indie music whose music is more relevant and popular than ever.
Realistically — Spin Doctors & Death Grips
Death Grips, running out of ideas of how to troll their fanbase, shows up unannounced at the Spin Doctors’ SUB performance to play for a crowd of students who doesn’t know who they are and hates their music. After giving out free CDs of a supposed ‘final album’ (which is actually 80 minutes of “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift), they promptly disband again.
Ideally — Relevant, Up-and-coming artist
You know that band I’m talking about — your favorite one you play on the aux. cord at a dorm party whenever you’re given the chance. You can show all your friends how “hip” and “with it” you are. Spotify even sends you emails about their latest EP so you can listen to it before all your snobby Scene writer friends. They’re a great band, and a college atmosphere is the perfect place to introduce themselves to some passionate new fans.
Realistically- Washed out, burnt out artist
This act costs just as much as the relevant, up-and-coming artist but comes with all the additional baggage of a few decades of awful live tours mostly populated by cougars. They’ll probably give you a hard time for attending college, and they will definitely be smoking between every song. These guys haven’t played a college gig since they had hair on their heads instead of their backs, and they couldn’t care less that you’re only there for that one big hit they had back in 1998. They do care about how you listen to their music though and probably even tried to sue Napster back in the day. Safe, bland and uninspiring, the washed out, burnt out artist is the perfect choice for SUB.
Ideally — Carly Rae Jepsen
Listen, I’m a very impressionable guy. And when I saw Justin Bieber (oh yeah, and Ariana Grande) jam out to “I Really Like You,” it’s been on repeat in my headphones ever since. And it doesn’t hurt that it’s an absolute jam.
Realistically – Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em
Did you just read that and die a little inside? I did too. But you could totally see this one happening, right? I do too, unfortunately.
Ideally- Weezer plays “The Blue Album” and “Pinkerton”
Playing Riot Fest, headlining their own Cruise, developing a show about their lead singer: all of these things indicate that Weezer is out of range for a SUB Concert. However, they also indicate that Weezer is perfect for a SUB Concert. Last year, at Riot Fest, the band played their hugely popular self-titled debut album — also known as “The Blue Album” — in full for the Chicago festival’s “10 Years. 10 Essential Albums” 10-year anniversary series. At 41 minutes, “The Blue Album” probably isn’t long enough for a headlining set, so Weezer could throw in their even better follow-up album, “Pinkerton,” to round out the set.
Realistically- Incubus plays “Make Yourself” and “Morning View”
Preteen and teenage me would really want to know what Incubus is up to these days. Unfortunately, “adult” me doesn’t and would rather preserve the band’s memory in his two favorite albums, the one-two punch of “Make Yourself” and “Morning View.” What better way to satisfy both of these me’s, which are constantly in a tug of war battle for my ear’s attention, than for a very realistic SUB Concert with the very realistic Incubus. Both albums feature a number of the band’s most recognizable hits and squarely fit the summery mood needed for a Spring SUB Concert. Plus, who doesn’t want to hear an extended intro to “Just a Phase” or “Battlestar Scralatchtica” live?