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Christmas categories

| Wednesday, December 9, 2015

For those in search of yet another way to procrastinate for finals, I have a solution: compile the perfect Christmas movie list. This is much harder to accomplish than it seems at first. In order to sort through the vast number of Christmas movies that have come out over the years, it helps to group them into distinct sub-genres. In the spirit of Christmas, I have done the work for you.

Old classics that everyone with a soul has watched at some point: It’s a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story

Modern classics: Elf (everyone needs to know the four main food groups), Home Alone (1 and 2), Love Actually (okay, maybe this one is a stretch)

Classics for kids: Charlie Brown’s Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (animated version), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, The Polar Express

Definitely not classics for kids: The Little Drummer Boy, Alvin and the Chipmunks (apparently there’s four of these monstrosities), Arthur Christmas

Slightly edgy non-traditional choices: Die Hard (1 and 2), Bad Santa, Edward Scissorhands, Gremlins

Super edgy non-traditional choices: Black Christmas, Silent Night, Santa’s Slay (yes, this actually exists)

Religious movies to appease that really Catholic relative: The Nativity, The Heart of Christmas, Saving Christmas (Kirk Cameron does Kirk Cameron stuff)

Jim Carrey Christmas movies: A Christmas Carol (animated version), How the Grinch Stole Christmas (non-animated version).

Christmas movies for people with no taste and/or way too much free time: Christmas with the Kranks (Tim Allen really should have stuck to The Santa Clause), Deck the Halls (Matthew Broderick and Danny Devito somehow manage to not be funny for an hour and a half), Fred Claus (Vince Vaughn Christmas movie attempt #1), Four Christmases (Vince Vaughn Christmas movie attempt #2)

Moderately funny and tolerable Christmas comedies: Nation Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Cousin Eddie carries it), The Santa Clause (but it’s all down hill after the first one), Jingle All the Way

Christmas movies set in Connecticut: Christmas in Connecticut (Okay, this is my family’s personal favorite, but what other state has a Christmas movie dedicated to it? Your move, New Jersey)

This year, it seems like Hollywood studios are trying to expand away from traditional Christmas movie sub-genres. There’s Krampus, a comedy-horror movie based on an old folktale about Santa’s demonic counterpart, and The Night Before, a stoner comedy (spoiler alert: Seth Rogen gets high, but this time it’s on Christmas Eve).

There are many more Christmas movies and categories I could have listed, but I have to go study for finals. Which reminds me I need to re-watch Elf for the 87th time, too bad there’s cookies in my VCR.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

About J.P. Gschwind

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