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How to get a college boy to notice you

| Friday, April 8, 2016

My name is Sydney, and I am horribly single. My desperate loneliness has come to the point that I have begun trying to determine if the names I picked out for my future children can be easily transitioned into whimsical pet names.

So, in order to help myself and all the other single ladies in the South Bend region, here are the surefire ways to get that cute boy you mercilessly stalk on social media to finally notice you.

1. Pass out Papa John’s coupons at dorm parties.

After a couple of years of delving into extensive research, it can be said with quite certainty that most guys like pizza. Go to your nearest Papa John’s, ask for a handful of “10 percent off your next purchase” coupons, write your name and number on the back and hand them out at the next big social gathering. Better yet, just bring a pizza to the next party. It’s bound to get you a few minutes of attention, even if it is only being yelled at for not bringing more garlic dipping sauce.

2. Have a dog with you 24/7.

It has been scientifically proven there’s no better wingman than a friendly dog. If you’re lucky enough to know where to borrow one for your group study session with that cute guy in your chemistry class, then you’re in luck.

3. Speak only in Drake lyrics for the rest of your life.

The greater portion of music genres played at college parties appears to be rap. Seeing as how boys are more often than not the DJs at said events, the assumption can be made that boys like rap, and who’s better at rap than Drake? By speaking in only his lyrics, it shows potential suitors you not only have a deep interest in the art, but you’re also a really good listener.

4. Camp out for a weekend at Dick’s Sporting Goods.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know boys love sports. If, like me, your own dad benched you on your third grade basketball team, then you’ve tried to avoid the concept of sports altogether. By living at Dick’s Sporting Goods for a long weekend, you’ll absorb all you could ever want to know about the history of sports. You’ll be a hit at the next football game.

5. Limit your wardrobe to strictly Vineyard Vines and Sperry.

Salmon-colored Chubbies and a smart quarter-zip sweater is the go-to outfit of most collegiate men in the South Bend region and nothing will impress them more than your dedication to the frat-life attire. Revamping your wardrobe won’t be cheap, but the benefits far outweigh the possibility of bankruptcy. Who knows, maybe matching Vines hats will get you and the love of your life talking about potential wedding colors.

Now none of these ideas have been tested but don’t worry, I’ll be the girl at Pigtostal carrying a pizza with a German shepherd and spending time with her woes. Good luck!

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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  • MC

    This isn’t the Odyssey, write a real article.