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Observer Editorial: The ideal campus concert

| Friday, April 15, 2016

This week, the Student Union Board (SUB) announced the All-American Rejects will play on campus for the annual spring concert, setting our middle school hearts aflame — after going years without hearing the classic “Dirty Little Secret,” we relish the chance to once again belt out the lyrics of our former favorite songs.

Apparently some students are immune to the powerful force of nostalgia, however, and were less than pleased by the announcement. Here are our Editorial Board’s recommendations for who should take the stage after the All-American Rejects “Move Along” next weekend:

Cathy Richardson and the Dropkick Murphys

Now several long months removed from football season, who wouldn’t seize the opportunity to relive those sunny (or not so sunny) football Saturday afternoons swaying along to Richardson’s honey-toned classic, “Here Come the Irish,” followed by none other than Notre Dame’s jarring unofficial theme song, “I’m Shipping Up To Boston”? A match so perfect it had to have been made in heaven, the combination of these two songs embodies the spirit and irrational love for tradition of all true Notre Dame football fanatics.

Phil Collins

What more perfect throwback is there? Collins is a throwback artist to all of your throwback childhood Disney favorites, reminding you of the blissfully nostalgic nights you spent at Grandma and Grandpa’s. It’s too perfect, really: As soon as the first notes of any Tarzan song echo off the walls of Stepan Center, everyone will forget they’re college students supposed to be entering the fully adult world in a year or two.

The cast of “Hamilton”

Rumor has it the Core Curriculum Review Committee will issue its final recommendations soon, including one that the University replace the general history requirement with mandatory viewings of “Hamilton,” Lin-Manuel Miranda’s hit musical sensation. Nobody wanted to take “The History of Ancient Greece” or “The Topography of Ancient Rome” anyway, so why not knock three credits out of the way for the small expense of $20 and your otherwise boring Friday night?

Cher Lloyd, again

Seriously, at this point, Notre Dame students should be singing “Want U Back” in Cher Lloyd’s direction, rather than the other way around. While her concert last year wasn’t the biggest hit in the world, at least her music doesn’t make you relive your eighth grade identity crisis. “With Ur Love,” a more appropriately-sized venue and playing after someone who isn’t Jesse McCartney, 2016 could finally be the year Cher Lloyd hits it big at Notre Dame.

A cardboard cutout of Kanye West

While a bit unorthodox, a cardboard cutout of Kanye West is the perfect choice for a campus concert not because of what it can do, but because of what it can’t do. A cardboard cutout can’t cry at your concert the way Jamie Lynn Spears did. It can’t make you feel uncomfortable about going to college the way Shaun White’s band did, or break his wrist skateboarding before the show like Drake Bell did. It can’t get arrested for drug possession like some rumored SUB artists (cough, T-Pain) did, or cancel on us the way the Chainsmokers did. And most importantly, a cardboard cutout can’t disappoint us, the way the campus music scene does every show.

Avril Lavigne

If we’re going to go with 2000s pop stars, everyone knows Avril takes the cake. She even looks exactly the same as she did back in her glory days. Everyone can relate to her angsty teenager punk-rock anthems; What better for a college campus? “Sk8r Boi,” “Girlfriend” and “Complicated” would be huge hits.

The Treblemakers

With their juice pouches, copy of “The Breakfast Club” and those hot guy smiles, the Treblemakers from the modern classic “Pitch Perfect” are an easy choice. With his love for Star Wars and his adorkable sideburns, Benji melted our hearts as he belted out “Magic” with his fellow acca-bros. From hitting the high notes in “Since U Been Gone” and to his sensual take on Foreigner’s song “Feels Like The First Time,” Jesse can make you forget that he’s a human being. Together, the duo will bring in all the pitches.

Fall Out Boy

FOB through and through. It’s time to stop belting one song at dorm parties and bring them to the wonderful place that is the Stepan Center — everyone should be exposed to the fact Fall Out Boy has more songs than “Sugar We’re Going Down.”

The von Trapps

No, not the musical family of seven children, Christopher Plummer and Julie Andrews in the Rodgers and Hammerstein classic “The Sound Music.” Now, it’s their grandchildren, a quartet from Portland, Oregon, who have been touring the country and sharing their favorite things and edelweiss with America. Sofia, Melanie, Amanda and August are sure to get everyone on campus singing along in no time.

Ryan Adams

No one is hotter than Taylor Swift right now, so why not book the hottest Taylor Swift cover artist? Substitute sold-out arenas for the intimate atmosphere of Stepan Center and watch Adams shine. He lacks the star power of T-Swizzle, but give him a stage and Adams may yet surprise you.

The Zetta Bytes and Loretta Modern (the DCOM Hologram)

Dear people who “code for fun” or anyone who has stepped foot in that radiation building: Please recreate Loretta Modern from the Disney Channel Original Movie (DCOM) “Pixel Perfect.” “Phil of The Future” did it; there is no reason an engineering department that prides itself on “tech developments that overshadow 2004 DCOM predictions” can’t. Also, “a hologram from a low-budget television movie that aired 12 years-ago” fits in perfectly with the Sci-Fi/horror film interior decor of everyone’s favorite geodesic dome.

Nickelback

Another late-90s rock band with somewhat strange and not-so-meaningful lyrics, Nickelback provides something the All-American Rejects lack — a strong anti-fan group. Bringing Nickelback to campus would be a more daring and controversial decision, opening the door for some fun dialogue and classic Nickelback jokes.

Billy Joel

Seeing as his on-campus concert in 1979 went over so well with the University administration, inviting Billy Joel back to Notre Dame would be a no-brainer. It may be a controversial decision, but we would all love to spend $20 to listen to Billy Joel sing “Only the Good Die Young” six times, just like our parents did 37 years ago.

Colonel Chris Hadfield

Heard on stations orbiting around the globe, this fighter-pilot-turned-astronaut has spent much of his time missing the Earth. His success on the International Space Station proved that anyone can be successful performing in venues far away from civilization (Stepan Center, anyone?), and his 2013 recording of David Bowie’s “Space Oddity” was out of this world. Down on earth, our down-to-earth rocket man opened a 2014 Maple Leafs hockey game with Canada’s national anthem, “O Canada,” reaffirming the fact that everything is better on ice.

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