Martha Reilly | Monday, October 3, 2016
The stars have shown that Halloween will be extra scary this year. But don’t fret; your “horrorscopes” will help you know just what to expect this month.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Drop your confidence and leadership qualities, and begin investigating all that you see and hear. You need to transform from a little stitious into superstitious. Question everything. Be careful not to take anything for granite, because it might just be marble.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Tone down your dedication and perseverance this month, and realize that no matter how much time you invest, you will never be able to carve a pumpkin with a smile as perfect as Antonio Brown’s. The traditional jack-o-lantern looks much more classic anyway.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Police will mistake the caution tape you put up as a Halloween decoration for an indication of a crime scene. No one will bail you out of jail because you took all the candy from the “free candy” basket in your dorm.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your loyalty is admirable, but just because you committed to dressing up as Brian VanGorder for Halloween three months ago doesn’t mean you have to stick with it. Bad call on the costume.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You will regret going to a carnival with someone who promises to win you a prize. Your date exchanges all his or her tickets for a black cat that you have to pretend you like, even though it looks nothing like the one from “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” and brings you bad luck.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your sensitivity will cause you much distress this month when someone remarks that you are shallow. Keep in mind, you’re the one who chose to dress up as a kiddy pool for Halloween.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
As a people pleaser, you are never able to say no to others. This tendency will harm you this month when friends keep asking if you want to watch the second “Twitches” movie instead of the original.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
It’s time for you to seek new love. This Halloween, you’ll find out that your significant other isn’t a keeper when he or she dresses up as Harry Potter in a Quidditch uniform, snitch and all.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You may be a free spirit, but watch out when lonely ghosts start to realize this. Some lost souls have finally found the body they’ve been looking to inhabit at no charge.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Your unlucky streak will continue this month, but you should’ve expected this when you chose not to forward that chain email eight years ago.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your philanthropic tendencies will get the best of you, and you may regret such open displays of generosity when your friend asks if he can move into your room. As it turns out, he’s a werewolf who will tear up your pillows and wake you up every night with his howling.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your open displays of emotion are beautiful, but you are in for a reality check when you begin to cry while writing “Halloweentown” fan fiction during class. People may mistake your vulnerability for weakness, so you must discern who’s a true friend and who’s merely taking advantage of you for your surplus of candy corn.
Contact Martha Reilly at firstname.lastname@example.org
The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.