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viewpoint

Job interview

| Thursday, October 27, 2016

Hi, I’m applying for the position, you know, the one posted online. That’s the one.

I’m a senior, yes. Just a kid really. I’m interested in your full time position, the first real job I’ll ever have, and I’m horribly unprepared.

How did I hear about the position? Desperately scouring the internet for anyone who might give me a chance. And I was right, huh? This is my chance right now. Hope I don’t blow it.

Why am I interested in the position? I need to do something after I graduate, right?

What I know about the company? Well I opened the homepage of your website, it said some stuff about being “cutting edge” and an “industry leader,” but that’s what all the websites say. In any case, I couldn’t really figure out what you do. You’re probably a good person to tell me that.

Other companies I’m interviewing with? Oh, this is my first interview. Does that mean I was supposed to have other interviews before this? Because I didn’t, not really a hot commodity at the moment.  Just waiting to hear back from a bunch of random companies whose names I couldn’t even tell you because the list is so long and careless.

That silly old thing? That’s my resume. Really just some things I’ve done to pass the time. That’s my major, not really sure why I chose it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be in it. Then there’s a bunch of activities and jobs that don’t relate to it to my major at all. I’m kind of all over the place.

My grades? Sometimes I didn’t work very hard and ended up with a good grade. Sometimes I did my very best and still failed. I’m not really sure I believe in the whole grading system, you know?

What gets me up in the morning? Usually the fourth or fifth alarm.

I wouldn’t describe myself as goal-oriented. I really just do whatever seems right at the moment. Sometimes motivation strikes me and I end up working pretty hard.

How do I deal with stressful situations? I start by finding a private place to cry, then I eat junk food.  Finally, I lay in my bed. Nothing too catastrophic has come from this method.

Salary requirements? I’d like to start paying back my student loans but, since I’ve been surviving on a combination of those loans and parental support I have absolutely no concept of money and will probably just base this off of what my friends say they’re making. I’m not even supposed to admit to talking to them about that, am I? We’ll say negotiable.

Where I see myself in five years? Far, far away.

Do I have any questions for you?

Do you need a drink after a day of work? What did you dream of being when you were a kid? Do you feel like this is what you are truly meant to do? Does money play a big role in keeping you in this job? Does your work give you anxiety? Do you consider leaving? Do you ever want to run away?

Thank you for your time.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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  • I would laugh more with this if I haven’t experienced “interviews” *very similar” to this one over the last ten years…