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A Trumped up World Series

| Wednesday, October 26, 2016

The rotten Chicago Cubs haven’t won the World Series in 108 years. Sad!

They’re not a heroic team. They’re loveable because they lose. I like baseball teams that don’t lose in the playoffs, okay?

But I can make baseball great again. Believe me.

First, we’re going to build a wall at Wrigley Field. It’ll be an amazing wall. It’ll be an outfield wall without any dopey ivy, and it’ll be so high that the Cubs won’t hit any home runs. And we’re going to make the Cubs pay for the wall.

The Cubs beat the Los Angeles Dodgers in the National League Championship Series, but that series was rigged! Now, many Dodgers fans support me, and our movement will make baseball great again.

Just because they won the pennant, the Cubs are going to raise ticket prices big league. I’m going to cut ticket prices big league. #BigLeagueTruth

And now, the World Series is absolutely being rigged by the dishonest and distorted sports media pushing the Crooked Cubs. SAD!

This World Series is so rigged. Will I accept the result of the series? I’ll have to look at it at the time. I’ll keep you in suspense.

The Crooked Cubs have been in professional baseball for 140 years and they’ve only won 2 World Series titles. They like to talk about all the World Series titles they will win, but why haven’t they? I’m a baseball outsider. Trust me, I can make baseball great again.

I will make baseball so great and so strong again that you won’t even believe it. I get the biggest crowds for my baseball games, but the media never talks about it.

Nobody has more respect for baseball than I do! And frankly, stories that I don’t respect baseball have been largely debunked, but the biased media won’t tell you that. I will sue the people who say I disrespected baseball.

Little Anthony Rizzo and Lyin’ Joe Maddon think that they can win the World Series, but they can’t keep home plate safe from the many bad hombres who want to score runs against them. Only I can make baseball great again.

And Kris Bryant claims to be a handsome, wholesome, All-American third baseman, but I’ve never seen his birth certificate. Many people have said there’s something on his birth certificate that is bad for him!

The Cubs know their biggest weakness, too, but they won’t even say the words. Radically weak relief pitching. Radically weak relief pitching. That’s the biggest threat to a Cubs World Series title, but they won’t even say the words.

So, I propose a complete and total ban on all relief pitchers entering Major League Baseball until we can figure out what the hell is going on with radically weak relief pitching like the Cubs’. It’s all part of my totally incredible plan to make baseball great and make late-inning leads safe again.

And don’t get me started on the Ricketts family, who own the Chicago Cubs. They better be careful, they have a lot to hide! They ought to focus on the Cubs and, you know, stop playing around. They’re really doing a rotten job with the Cubs.  

If I were running the Cubs, I’d fire Theo Epstein. I’d point at him with my very long and beautiful fingers, look right in that fat, ugly face of his and I’d say, “Theo, you’re fired.”

The Cubs make lousy deals, too. They made the worst deal of all time. Period. In 1964, they traded Lou Brock, a man who knew the art of the steal, for, frankly, some very weak players from the St. Louis Cardinals.

And when the Cubs send their players to other teams, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending players that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with them. They’re bringing low batting averages. They’re bringing high ERAs. They’re benchwarmers. And some, I assume, are good players.

I’ll tell you what, even though the Cubs broke the Curse of the Billy Goat, they’re still total losers. Believe me. Their pathetic fans will keep saying, “There’s always next year.” Wrong!

Such a nasty team.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.

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About Jack Rooney

Jack is a 2016 graduate of Notre Dame, and The Observer's former managing editor. He is currently spending a year living and working for the University in Ireland, and writing columns to keep him busy. For more random thoughts and plenty of news links, follow Jack on Twitter @RooneyReports.

Contact Jack