I am not a spontaneous person. I like to know what and when I’m going to be doing something and who I’m going to be with. Rarely, if ever, do I decide to do things impulsively. So, what made me decide to spontaneously drive home this past weekend on Friday morning when I had decided the previous night that I wasn’t going to? Senior year made me.
Whoever told me senior year would be the easiest year definitely lied to me. I ended my junior year last semester by scrambling to get my last paper done on the Friday of finals week before 9 p.m. while having had no sleep in the past 48 hours. The only thing that got me through it was thinking that I would be a senior when I was done and I could sleep soon. Looking back, I can’t help but laugh at my sad self. Between trying to keep up with all of my other classes, working on my senior comprehensive project, studying for the GRE and applying to grad school, senior year has only come at me with even more work and stress. Not to mention the additional time I spend working on other club leadership roles and working a part-time job, all while trying to make time for prayer with God on a regular basis.
I burnt myself out the first month of school. After having absolutely no time for myself, my friends and my family, I have come to the conclusion that giving my all to my school work and extracurricular activities, even though I feel the need to give my all to them, is simply not possible.
Unfortunately, I am not superhuman. I have two hands, two feet, one brain, an aching heart, broken relationships and a neglected self. I don’t need to spend countless hours in the art studio trying to perfect my clay sculptures, I don’t need to study every single day for the GRE, I don’t need to thoroughly read every single page of every book for every class, I don’t need to spend all my free time working and I don’t need to work on my senior comp ... just kidding, I need that to graduate. But I at least don’t need to worry about it being flawless, especially when I’m still in the proposal process.
I do need to let go of trying to be perfect at everything and spend more time with my friends, talking to my family, being present, enjoying my extracurriculars and, most importantly, focus on being the best version of myself.
So, this past Friday, I woke up and said, “Screw it, I’m going home,” to see one of my best friends, who lives in Arizona and who I haven’t seen in three years, while she was in town. I wasn’t going to go before because I thought I had too much work to do. I now realize spending all my time on work isn’t worth it when there’s a life to experience.
