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Michigan fans classless

Matt Mooney | Sunday, September 14, 2003

Congratulations to the University of Michigan Wolverines on their overwhelming victory on Saturday. God knows they were the better team, and surely God would reward such a fan base who carries themselves with the dignity of the maize and blue.

That very same dignity seems to have seeped into the very soul of every U of M fan. It has permeated their collective consciousness deep enough to welcome their opponents to Ann Arbor by lynching effigies of the Irish head coach. Yes, all that fight for an affirmative action stance in the Admissions Department seems to be creating quite a revolutionary perception about diversity.

Of course, Lord knows Ty Willingham could use a reprimand for his uncouth behavior on the sidelines and during his press conferences. Instilling a sense of integrity in his players would be the least he could do. His players would do well to imitate the compassionate way Michigan’s Marlon Jackson forgave a fellow bar patron with an absolving blow to the head with a beer bottle.

But, as the team only accounts for a small demographic, let us look to the little people at defining the university. So instead of judging the players for their virtuosity, let us be equally ready to beg pardon of the students and fans for whom we provided targets at which to throw unopened cans of beer. Heaven forbid the Notre Dame faithful should occupy the hospital beds desperately needed for terminally ill Wolverine fans. After all, it appears a great many require as much care as possible to treat their incurable condition as alcoholic social vegetables.

Such uncivilized behavior characterizes the Irish race and seems especially repulsive in lieu of the example set by the Michigan student body. The classy manner in which “F— the Irish” and “Rudy Swallows” frequently resounded from the student section speaks volumes about the creativity and intelligence that emanates from the Ann Arbor campus. Their new and innovative ways to support their own team are not only noteworthy but commendable.

So here’s to the University of Michigan. Kudos for establishing yourselves as both worthy of a top five football ranking and also as the people we will most enjoy terminating from your jobs.

Matt MooneyjuniorSiegfried HallSept. 14