I don't know about you fellow Irishmen and women, but I've had enough of traditions here at Notre Dame. I couldn't possibly be happier with the death of the traditions that I have witnessed here over the last few years, such as the Alumni Wake and in-dorm dances, and I applaud the new alcohol policy. The present systematic killing of all other traditions, especially the ever-malicious marshmallow wars during Notre Dame home games is even better. After all, those deadly marshmallows might actually be felt by the person they are thrown at.
Now I know what you're thinking: "The police say there are rocks and pennies hiding in the marshmallows, but we don't believe that." However, in defense of Notre Dame's finest, I say that even though you and I have never seen or felt rocks in the marshmallows does not mean they don't exist. After all, have you ever seen the administration let the student government decide something important? I haven't either, but I'm sure it happens.
This rock/marshmallow controversy does bring up an interesting point, as a few of my opponents have noted: "Why don't the cops stop the kids from bringing in these 'rocks' instead of stopping them from bringing in the marshmallows? I mean, isn't it the rocks they're really worried about, and not the marshmallows? These rocks are going to hurt much more now that they no longer have that squishy white blanket of fun to insulate them."
Well, don't worry about that. I got some insider information that NDSP will regulate the rock-throwing at football games as soon as they crack down on the more important issues at hand, such as interhall badminton. This wasn't supposed to be made public, but there is about to be a major bust of all badminton players who hit the birdie in the general direction of the other team. After all, what if someone puts a grenade in the birdie? It could hurt someone. We just can't take that chance, so sorry to all you badminton fans.
The best part of all this tradition killing is that one of the bigger traditions here has suffered as well: football. Chuck Lennon, executive director of the Alumni Association, wants a large banner to increase morale. If only he knew that if NDSP would stop arresting the team's biggest fans, morale would jump back up. That's OK, though. It's not like anyone here is a football fan; it's not like Notre Dame prides itself on tradition. So fellow Domers, why don't we put an end to all this commotion and stop having fun?
Dan SushinskyseniorSt. Edward's HallOct. 30
