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Even presidents write rough drafts

Joey Falco | Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Thanks to my many powerful connections in the White House, I actually managed to procure a copy of President Bush’s first draft to last night’s State of the Union address. What follows is Dubya’s original version of the speech prior to any tampering by White House officials.Mr. Speaker, Uncle Dick, members of Congress, oil tycoons, former Enron executives, my beloved dog Barney and the rest of Daddy’s friends: I come before you today to tell you that the state of our union is stronger than the spicy bean burritos that my indentured servant Juanita cooks for me on my ranch in Crawford.As for the economy, my Krispy Kreme stock has gone through the roof, fishin’ bait is cheaper than ever, Dodge is putting a Hemi in just about every one of its pickup trucks and I even found a crumpled up dollar bill in my back pocket this morning.Also, this coming year, I have even more up my sleeve to make sure that the recent economic surge continues. I’m like a sneaky Injun creeping up on you with a bow and arrow. Watch out! You never know when I might decide to pin you down and scalp you like a lost pioneer, or at least eliminate some of the highest tax brackets.In domestic affairs, 2004 will certainly prove to the world what I’ve been saying for years: Don’t mess with Texas. Not only is there an “Alamo” movie coming out with my favorite actor, Billy Bob Thornton, but the Houston Astros just signed Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens. So take that, Yankees.And a new pitching staff isn’t the only thing I’ve got cookin’ down in Houston. As you may have heard, I’ve decided that NASA will return to the moon for the first time in over 30 years. Actually, I thought of the concept of a permanent lunar colony one day while mediating peace talks between Israel and Palestine. Since the Palestinians want a country of their own and Israel won’t give it to them, I decided to give the moon to the PLO. Within a few years, we should have the technology to send every Palestinian in the world on a one-way trip to the big rock in the sky, and I, George Dubya Bush, will have single-handedly solved the crisis in the Middle East!Not only that, but I will also lead this great nation on its first manned mission to Mars. As you may or may not know, the Red Planet is incredibly hot, millions of light years away and inhabited by apes. Luckily, the Millennium Falcon is still the fastest ship in the galaxy, and I’m fairly confident that my hand-picked team of Han Solo and Bilbo Baggins can brave the climate of this hostile planet. After that, who knows what I’ll do next? I might even explore Uranus. Hehe. Get it?Now, on to a more serious note, another series of exact, scientific studies from some of Britain’s top researchers have shown that the Axis of Evil has spread all the way to Crapistan, a tiny nation nestled in the flat, barren desert area between Tibet and Nepal. In order to combat this terrible threat to American homeland security, I have decided that the time has come to reinstate the military draft. Luckily, due to the size of Crapistan’s army, very few citizens will need to be drafted during this process. I actually happen to have the names of those selected with me today, and they are as follows: Howard Dean, John Kerry, John Edwards, Dick Gephardt, Dennis Kucinich, Joe Lieberman, Al Sharpton and Carson from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”If your name was just called, please report to your mission commander, General Wesley Clark, at the Paris Island military training facility immediately. Thank you.Moving on, I must address an issue that has been of growing concern to Americans everywhere. And no, I don’t mean Samantha being diagnosed with breast cancer on “Sex and the City,” although that certainly did knock me off my saddle when I heard it. I’m talking, of course, about Mad Cow Disease, also known to us scientific types as Canine Spongy Oligopoly. In order to combat the spread of this rare disorder, I have initiated a $40 billion plan with Congress that will drastically lower the amount of beef consumed by Americans each year. Essentially, this strategy will consist of all imported cattle being told not to mess with Texas.In closing, I only wish to say that in 2004, if I reclaim the throne in November, God will continue to bless the United States of America.As long as we aren’t invaded by killer Martian apes.

Joey Falco is a freshman double-majoring in political science and Spanish. His column appears every other Wednesday. He can be contacted at [email protected] views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.