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What’s goin’ on?

Joey Falco | Tuesday, February 17, 2004

In the hopes of restoring a smidgen of current events knowledge to the strictly Observer-informed Notre Dame student body, what follows is an unbiased synopsis of some of the past week’s most significant news stories.Well, sort of.The recent announcement that Iran will begin selling nuclear reactor fuel has angered many non-proliferation activists throughout the world, even though Iranian officials insist that it will only be for “peaceful use.”This kind of reminded me of the time when an upperclassman told me that Roofies would only make my beer taste better, and we all know how that night ended up…At Roger Williams University in Rhode Island, controversy arose when a group of College Republicans created a “White-Only” scholarship in order to protest the minority scholarships offered by schools throughout the nation. While their intentions may have been noble, many college officials felt that the group went too far when they started hanging “Non-Handicapped Parking Only” signs in parking places that were even closer than the actual handicapped spots.Not too far away at Harvard University, a similar buzz was created when administrators approved a student sex magazine that would feature nude photographs of Harvard undergrads. The ramifications of this enormous leap toward liberalism sent shockwaves across America, and even spurred typically conservative Notre Dame administrators to consider the production of a similar scandalous publication in which McGlinn girls would pose for shots that show a little bare ankle.In New York City, the Yankees continued their monopolization of baseball’s top players by adding Alex Rodriguez to their already dominant roster. When asked to comment, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner calmly stated, “My plan for world domination is almost complete. Right now, we’re working on negotiations with Heaven that would send us Jesus Christ to fill in our hole at second base in exchange for Ruben Sierra and a minor leaguer to be named later.”Back here on campus, the administration has cruelly turned down a proposition for an AIDS benefit concert that would have featured U2, Bruce Springsteen and an appearance by Nelson Mandela. As it turned out, the event had to be terminated because of the potential threat presented by projectile marshmallows.As one stadium official stated, “Those AIDS victims will just have to hold their horses. We’ve got a football stadium to run here.”In the business world, numerous corporations went on a glorified shopping spree this past week, with Comcast attempting to purchase Disney for $54 billion and Cingular buying AT&T Wireless for around $41 billion. This international spending craze even prompted President Bush to alter his 2004 budget plans when he put in an offer to buy Texas for a reported “eleventy gajillion dollars.”This past Friday, in celebration of a “Day of Purity” before Valentine’s Day, high school students across the nation donned white T-shirts in support of abstinence. When asked what he would be doing instead on the traditional holiday of lovers, the event’s organizer promptly looked up from his game of Dungeons and Dragons and replied, “Well, the Sci-Fi Channel’s ‘Twilight Zone’ marathon should take up the majority of my day, but if I have time, I might have an online e-date with my cyber-girlfriend, Amidala3266. It’s our three gigaweek anniversary.”In San Francisco, hundreds of gay couples rushed to get married after Mayor Gavin Newsom began issuing marriage licenses to homosexual partners. Surprisingly, though, many conservative homophobes actually viewed this unprecedented example of gay rights as a positive. As one Republican senator put it, “These couples don’t know what they’re getting themselves into by throwing away perfect, commitment-free relationships in exchange for decades of cat-fights over who forgot to tape ‘Sex and the City’ and why someone had to spend $200 on a pair of leather pants from the Gap.” Some pundits actually predict legal marriage to be the downfall of homosexuality in America.After the tremendous success of “The Return of the King” at the U.K. Oscars and with the American Academy Awards quickly approaching, one question about this year’s ceremony still looms in the minds of entertainment gurus everywhere: Will Billy Crystal show any boob?Finally, in North Korea, the government-controlled media was out in force on Monday in celebration of the 62nd birthday of supreme ruler Kim Jong Il. According to CNN, North Korean publications described their great leader as “a renaissance man who has flown fighter aircraft, written operas and shot eleven holes-in-one in his first try at golf.” While these feats are clearly exaggerated propaganda distributed by the corrupt North Korean media, most could not disprove the powerful leader when he added, “And you know those Cialis commercials warning against four-hour periods of arousal? I can do that without a pill!”So that’s the news for this week. It may have been pointless, but at least it beats watching WNDU-16.

Joey Falco is a freshman political science and spanish major. His column appears every other Wednesday. He can be contacted at [email protected] views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.