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Real men drink beer

Kate Gales | Wednesday, September 8, 2004

Real men drink beer. Period. Obviously, real men don’t have to consume alcohol, but I am concerned about the growing tolerance men have for “girly drinks.” Although I am not a man, as a bartender in the state of Pennsylvania I think I am qualified to say this. This summer while serving alcohol, I had a disturbing number of men order drinks like Smirnoff Ices, Mike’s Hard Lemonade, Bay Breezes and Bacardi O with Diet Coke. I’m sorry, guys, but to me this is socially unacceptable. If you consider yourself a man, and you choose to drink, you should strive to drink in the manliest way possible.Real men drink beer, and not carb-conscious fake beer beverages like Aspen Edge and Michelob Ultra. Low-carb beer is about as manly as two guys sharing a large floral umbrella. Particularly in college, the unique flavor of a Natty Lite or Keystone should not be undervalued. As you develop into real men, you should be embracing the man’s choice beverage – beer.Real men drink beer, or maybe a tough, harsh, feel-it-in-your-toes sort of liquor. Swigging tequila, Southern Comfort, whiskey or vodka – preferably straight out of the bottle, with no chaser – proclaims the feats of strength and character you can perform. Note that manly liquors do not include peach schnapps, Malibu rum or anything fruit-flavored. Ever.Real men drink beer, whether in crowded bars, smuggled into dorms in backpacks or via the always-inspiring keg stand. They can play games like kings, flipcup, and Beirut, also known as beer pong. They can also have case races – the ultimate test of drinking strength and endurance – the marathon of beer. Although drinking games can be hazardous to your health, in an appropriate context the real man should be able to enjoy and, hopefully, be competitive at the table. There’s a reason it’s beer pong and not Mike’s Hard Lemonade pong.That same Mike’s Hard Lemonade has attempted to give men an alternative to beer, with a slick ad campaign and minimalist packaging. I blame this on the metrosexual movement, which has destroyed our modern concept of manhood. Why do men wear pink? This is a concept that baffles me. Pink is not a manly color. Pink is about as manly as two guys having salads for lunch together while watching Sex and the City. What’s next? Men having manicures? Men wearing makeup? Men drinking Cosmopolitans while reading Cosmopolitan? Have they no shame?I realize that if someone wrote a similarly gender-biased column – like about how women shouldn’t watch football – I’d probably be offended. Also, I’m not telling people that they need to drink to be manly. I’m just taking a stand and saying that I expect men friends to drink like a Natty Ice champion today.