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Hefty eaters unite

Justin Tardiff | Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Let’s all take a moment, if you will, to recognize those among us who possess the incredible ability to out-eat everyone around us.I used to be kind of embarrassed about this, but then I realized that it should be a source of pride, because then all of us hefty eaters could band together and eat pans of brownies. Last week I was at Boracho Burrito, reveling in my spectacular ability to eat an entire two-pound burrito in one sitting, so I went over to my friends at another table to brag about my stunning accomplishment. After making my announcement, I discovered that everyone at their table had already done the same thing, even my skinny friend Mary.People who eat too much aren’t always so accepted, though. Maybe you’ve gone to CJ’s and the rest of your friends were talking about how they couldn’t finish their giant burgers, just as you were handing your empty plate back to the waitress and asking them if they were going to finish their fries. Also, maybe sometimes other people will want to dance at the Backer, and nobody keeps you company as you slowly edge toward the popcorn machine, just to tide you over until you can convince everyone to go to IHOP.Luckily we live in a society today where girls aren’t really expected to survive on salad and carrot sticks, although we still have a long way to go before we achieve eating-expectations equality. Going out to dinner with someone can be an internal struggle, because the truly hefty eaters always have the uncontrollable urge to cash in on free food, but most of us want to win people over with our sparkling personalities and not our horrifying intake of breadsticks. When an appetizer intended to serve a party of six is mere child’s play, sometimes you prefer dining with your closest friends who are required to like you anyway.With the Lenten season upon us and Spring Break lurking around the corner, sometimes it’s easy to revert back to feelings of guilt as a hefty eater, when it seems like everyone else is swearing off chocolate or trying out Atkin’s for bikini season. Don’t let remorse get you down, though. I used to count calories in high school, but then I finished my math requirement during my first semester in college and forgot how to add up numbers. I can assure you that it is a liberating experience to have no idea how fat you are getting.So if you’re almost done with your Breakfast Sampler plate before your friends have finished stirring Equal into their coffee, please come over and we can hang out. Hefty eaters will always be accepted in my presence.