If you didn't already know it, today is officially the worst day in history.
But I'm not talking about your poor social misfortunes.
Look at just three of the things that have occurred on this day that make your concerns look petty.
April 14, 1865: John Wilkes Booth shoots President Lincoln in Ford's Theater.
Just days after the Civil War concluded, the nation fell into turmoil once again as its time-tested hero lay slain in a balcony during a performance of "Our American Cousin." From that point on, no president took his safety for granted.
April 14, 1912: the Titanic strikes an iceberg and begins sinking in the north Atlantic.
The invincible, colossal giant of the seas, built to survive the greatest of collisions, met its match in the icy waters on its voyage to New York. Over 1,500 passengers and crew perished.
April 14, 2000: the stock market boom of the Nineties met its match, as the Dow Jones Industrial Average fell an unprecedented 617 points and the Nasdaq lost nearly 10 percent, plummeting 355 points.
The market that experts thought could only go up under President Clinton finally crumbled under the pressures of overpricing, faulty accounting and massive protests in Pennsylvania against the World Bank.
So there you have it: the Great Emancipator died, the most majestic ship ever sank and the strongest economy in history was shaken to its foundations - all on April 14.
What I guess I'm trying to say here is that no matter how poorly you think your day is going, look at how many other people went through things much worse - on the exact same day.
Maybe you got stuck in a swimming lane with a creepy old man at the Rock.
Just think, at least the water is heated and you don't have to worry about hypothermia.
Or maybe you accidentally bounced your check paying for a copy of Jane Fonda's new book, and NDFCU is going to charge you a $30 fee.
At least you didn't lose the equivalent of $4 billion over the course of three hours.
Or possibly you got jipped out of a quad you wanted during the lottery or picks.
Well, think about this for a second: at least you weren't an assassin's target during a play you went to see and enjoy.
I would definitely choose living with a night-crawler for a semester over dying while watching a sappy play.
So in the end, when you're complaining to your friends at the dinner table, just sit back and think.
Touch the back of your head. Is it there? Well then smile.
Breathe slowly. Is there water infiltrating your lungs? If not, breathe some more.
Check your wallet. Is there something of value in there that you can barter on the black market?
That's what I thought.
Now stop complaining and find a new pastime.
