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Closing the deal

Sam Pandolfo | Friday, September 9, 2005

There he is, perched on the edge of some mystic battlefield fogged over by loud music and black lights, waiting to engage his counterpart in the oldest form of battle known to the human race. He is armed only with liquid courage, shielded by sarcasm and keen wit, and clad in the armor of paper-thin confidence waiting to charge.

Then it happens, like Moses himself just parted the sea of Domers, and standing there across the room is his very own Helen of Troy embracing a silver-clad natural beverage.

This is in no way a fair fight. While we mere men are armed to the teeth with weapons that wouldn’t work on a sixth grade bully, ‘Helen’ is her own dark army. Her weapon is intimidation, her strategy aversion, and her source of strength is a stare capable of stopping him dead in his tracks. The real danger lies in the wing-women she brought with her that are only there to make sure he fails in whatever end he’s dumb enough to pursue.

I consider myself to be an average Notre Dame guy who has no problem making a few friends at a party, but this battle seems to be lost from the beginning. Fear not my friends, there are ways to turn the odds in this battle in our favor.

Step 1: Ask her name, and remember it. Even if things go sour and she jets, you’ll be able to facebook her the next day and ask her out sometime. The worst thing that can happen is to be holding a glass slipper the next morning with no clue who it belongs to.

Step 2: Show genuine interest in her. This requires listening skills and patience – practice with friends beforehand if you need to. Even if it’s hard to listen to her babble on about how much she loves “The O.C.,” swallow hard and pretend it’s your favorite show.

Step 3: Dance with her. I’m not talking about VH1 Enrique Iglesias dancing (although it does work wonders in Zahm) – I want to see some MTV David Banner stuff.

Step 4: Have your buddies entertain her friends. Be a gentleman and make sure everyone feels welcome, even the weird one with bangs.

Step 5: Exercise patience. Even Wilt Chamberlain missed his first lay-up.

I can assure you that following these simple steps will certainly get you a few brownie points and open the door for further exploration. Just remember it’s not winning the battle that is important, it’s winning the war.