If Notre Dame lacks anything, it's not rules.
And except for the occasional "Whoops, we fell asleep while watching a movie!" or "Really? the Indiana drinking age isn't 18?" slip-ups, we're pretty good at following them.
But in an effort to strive for our collective excellence, I humbly propose a few more guidelines for campus life. I do not wish to add to the anxieties of midterm week. Like "Thou shall not kill" and "Thou shall not commit adultery," some rules are difficult to adhere to on a daily basis. Let's rise to the challenge.
The rules (and possible consequences) are as follows:
1. Couples are prohibited from same-side dining hall seating.
2. If a student has: seen another student every day in the dining hall for the past 2/3/4 years; can name at least three mutual friends; believes there may have been at least one Saturday night introduction; and is aware of the other's current relationship status, club memberships, political leaning, and favorite month of the year due to Facebook stalker-browsing, it is permitted, even encouraged, to give a simple nod, half-smile, or the neutral "hey" when in passing. (This column is about 80 inches too short to discuss the full implications Facebook has on this rule).
3. Should a student feel the need to train for the Tour de France on South Quad, any individual should feel entitled to clothesline the offender.
4. Any student, though well intentioned, should not hold open a non-card-swipe-required door for an approaching student who, at 50 yards away, must change their relaxed stroll to the obligatory (and awkward) run-walk shuffle, thereby defeating the purpose of conserving energy and arriving at class 10 minutes late.
5. The playing of the "Black Eyed Peas" at parties shall be strictly prohibited.
6. Classes shall limit the usage of the adjective "interesting" to 86 times per session. (This figure was attained by cutting in half the current average of all classes.) If this limit is exceeded, students will be forced to either a) bring a thesaurus to all remaining classes, or b) replace "What I thought was interesting was..." with "The only paragraph I read was..."
7. Any student who wears the "Muck Fichigan" T-shirt outside of Michigan game week shall have to explain to campus visitors under age 10 where the "University of Fichigan" is located.
8. Away messages that end with "... call the cell!!!" should not begin with "class," "shower," or "Mass." If broken, the perpetrator shall suffer the indignity of hearing their "My Hump" ring tone play 20 minutes into their Christian Sexuality midterm.
9. Anyone referring to the second floor of the library as "Club Hesburgh" will spend all remaining Friday nights at Club Fever.
