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I’m freakin’ out, man

Joe Piarulli | Wednesday, February 8, 2006

I can understand why college kids do drugs.

I’ve been seeing lots of bright colors and funky shapes lately. I’ve been pondering the universe too. I keep eating Wheat Thins and Lucky Charms, and laughing at just about everything. And I’m really not on drugs.

Do you ever watch commercials for medicine and think, “Man, I have all those symptoms, I must need Midol.” Then you realize, “No, I’m a guy, I don’t need Midol, I’m just cranky because someone borrowed my scissors and I don’t know where they are, and I need to cut this tag off my shirt because it’s scratching my neck … and I have a stomach ache because I drank a cup of nacho cheese at the dining hall.” My friends do that all the time. I try not to let them watch much TV.

I’ve been showing the signs of drug use all week – if I saw a commercial for a hallucinogenic drug, my reaction would be similar to those of my friends with the Midol commercials. But I think I can explain it.

It started, like most weeks do, on Sunday.

I woke up at 3 p.m., ate four slices of pizza and some Doritos, went Superbowling (watched a boring football game), then, after little debate, went back to sleep. Sure, I felt like a bum, but I didn’t think much of it.

On Monday, everything started getting bizarre. I laughed during a diversity presentation for basically no reason. I laughed at my friends whenever they looked at me, and I laughed while doing most of my homework. At night, I went to see “Run Lola Run.” AND I WAS FREAKING OUT. That movie is out of control. People were yelling in German and traveling back in time and robbing banks – it’s a little too much for me. I was seeing colors and shapes of which I am now permanently frightened. And thus began my philosophizing.

I’m in a Cosmology class, which for me is extremely unhealthy. I stay up at night thinking about black holes, parallel universes and extra dimensions (Professor Kolda, if you’re reading this, just straight up tell me if aliens exist or not). The worst part about it is I don’t know anything about black holes, parallel universes or extra dimensions except what I’ve heard on “The Twilight Zone,” “Seinfeld,” and The MuppetVision show at Disney, respectively.

This whole “Universe” thing is really a problem for me. It’s a little too complicated, and it’s been treating me funny lately, so if it wants to fight, I’ll fight. You hear that Universe? You’re not infinitely big. You don’t scare me. There are more prominent mysteries than you, such as: How did I not know that they make chocolate Lucky Charms until like two weeks ago? Or: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Or: Who has my scissors? They’re blue and I want them. Give them back.

Man, I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday.