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Potty training 101

Laura Baumgartner | Tuesday, March 28, 2006

You can stop searching through your course schedule; this is not a class that is being offered next semester as an easy “A.” Not yet at least. In case some of you failed to realize, I would like to point something out. Unfortunately, we are not living in a five-star restaurant equipped with kind bathroom attendants to hand you a towel and clean up after you once you are finished using the facilities. Most of us are in fact living in dorms. This can only mean one thing – public bathrooms. Which translates into no bathroom attendant, and no, sadly our mothers aren’t here to clean up after us either.

Enter “Potty Training 101.” This is designed to give college students a crash course in bathroom etiquette. Now, some of these concepts may seem radical and possibly even crazy. Just try to stay strong and keep an open mind, and hopefully we will all learn a little something.

Lesson One: Keeping Your Business Where Your Business Belongs. Now, you might think that since we are college students that by this stage of our lives we would fully understand the purpose of toilets and urinals. The evidence we leave behind however, could lead people to believe otherwise.

This lesson is a simple one, but you will be tested later so if you feel it is necessary please take notes.

First, there is only one place to go number two – this may seem like common sense, but believe me for some people this concept is still a mystery – and that place is in the toilet. That’s right I said IN the toilet, not near the toilet on the floor, or on the toilet seat, but actually IN the toilet. (And after that you flush. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here – flushing is a later lesson).

Second, number one also belongs IN the toilet. Little dribbles on the seat will result in a lowering of your grade. There’s paper in the bathroom for a reason, crumple some up (unless you’re a folder, then by all means fold) and put it to good use. No one likes a wet seat.

Lesson Two: These Aren’t Bedpans, They Do Actually Flush. There has been some confusion around campus about this subject, so we are going to clear this situation up early. Yes, some of the toilets are old and don’t have the power of a Flush-o-matic 2006, but that shiny silver handle-like object on the back of the toilet does serve a purpose. It’s not just there to make the toilet look pretty. While it might require more than one push, the little guys can get the job done and remove any unsightly material that might be occupying the bowl.

Well, we’re running short on time here and I don’t want to overwhelm anyone on the first day. Quick review of the key concepts and then class will be dismissed. Remember the key concepts here are “in the toilet” and “flush.”

Practice makes perfect, people, so get out there and use your new found knowledge.