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The ‘Oh crap’ moments

Joe Piarulli | Thursday, March 9, 2006

I’ve heard a lot of stupid things in my life. Lately, I’ve begun to lose my sense of what is intelligent – to the point that when my friend thought it would be a good idea to patent a rotating toilet seat, I didn’t tell him he was an idiot.

My friends and I have started watching “Elimidate” on the WB at 1 a.m. Let me repeat that. “Elimidate,” 1 a.m., WB.

I don’t think I want cable in my dorm room next year. It hurts my head.

We all do stupid things. We’ve been caught dancing by ourselves when no music was on. We’ve grossly exaggerated stories about a party right in front of someone who was there. What do you tell people when something like that happens?

“Oh, sorry, I’m just completely out of my mind.”

It could be worse. In fact, it has been much worse. See, some things don’t seem like stupid things to say unless they are said at exactly the wrong moment. This is the part where I offer shameless examples. The following are all completely true, and presented in chronological order for my convenience.

One seemingly innocent day in high school, I was walking with my friend to lunch. We were late, and were just about the only people in the courtyard. I’m not entirely sure of what I said over the course of that conversation, but I remember what she said in response: “That’s retarded.” The only other person within 100 yards of us? That’s right – a mentally challenged individual.

On graduation day of high school, my friend sat next to a guy who had his head shaved. Our class had more than 420 kids, so she didn’t know him particularly well. The ensuing conversation went roughly as follows:

“I think it’s really stupid that you shaved your head for graduation,” she said.

“Actually, I have cancer,” he said.

“That’s not funny. You shouldn’t joke about that. My uncle had cancer,” she responded.

Of course, he actually had cancer. Ouch. Throw the flag – that’s a personal foul.

The most recent of what I call the “Oh crap,” moments took place in North Dining Hall a few weeks ago. My friends had spent the previous night watching the popular “Donnie Darko,” and were in the habit of repeating the quote, “Go back to China b–.”

Well, apparently they were not aware that people of Chinese lineage also eat in North Dining Hall.

I doubt that it’s necessary to tell other stories involving the phrases, “That’s gay,” and “Are you blind?” I think you get the idea.

Now I’m not telling you to watch what you say. I’m not even telling you to be more sensitive about the feelings of others. I’m just telling you that if you go on “Elimidate,” I’ll probably see you on there, because I watch that show. Those people are almost as ridiculous as the people who read the Inside Column.

Oh crap.