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The truth about Irish football

Joey Falco | Sunday, August 27, 2006

A little over two decades ago, much of this student body emerged from the womb itching for the start of a potential national championship run by the Fighting Irish. As our fathers clipped our umbilical cords with Notre Dame Bookstore-issued scissors and our nurses swathed us in “Play Like a Champion Today” towels, the greatest fight song in the land was undoubtedly echoing in the backs of our undeveloped, spongy minds. It is even rumored that the first words of a few particularly prescient and potty-mouthed students were, “Notre Dame will kick the s*** out of Georgia Tech on September 2, 2006.”

Now, in only six days, that magic moment will finally arrive, and the entire universe will discover whether or not this year’s squad can live up to the hype purveyed by Sports Illustrated, Sports Illustrated On Campus, ESPN, ESPN the Magazine, ESPN.com, SportingNews, CBS Sportsline, the Chicago Sun-Times, the Chicago Tribune, the South Bend Tribune, USA Today, Yahoo! Sports, Scout.com, Rivals.com, CNN, MSNBC, NPR, ABC News, NBC Sports, Fox Sports, Sports Digest, CSTV, the Los Angeles Times, the San Jose Mercury News, the Atlanta Journal Constitution, the Seattle Post Intelligencer and Live! With Regis and Kelly.

Because of the intense anticipation and speculation about the upcoming football season, there has been a lot of fictional information swirling throughout the media about Charlie Weis’ team. In fact, several loyal readers have been littering my inbox all summer with questions about this hype. So today, we will separate the fact from the fiction.

Kate O’McFitzgerald of Lyons Hall asks, “Is it true that Brady Quinn was born of a vestal virgin?”

Yes, Kate. A perfectly sculpted body like that doesn’t just pop out of a fallopian tube. In fact, it is rumored that the Holy Spirit was only in Dublin, Ohio, on that fateful day back in 1984 because He wanted to ask Wendy’s world headquarters why they didn’t make square buns to fit their delicious square burgers. Apparently, the munificent Mrs. Quinn gave the Divine Inseminator directions along the way, and He rewarded her womb with the second coming of the Lord and Savior. Just watch out when this kid turns thirty.

Moses McGillicuddy of Stanford Hall wonders, “If the entire Georgia Tech football team falls over in a forest and no one is listening, do they make a noise?”

Great question, Moses. Believe it or not, they do actually make a noise when they fall: the same pathetic, high-pitched squeal that a pig makes after it waddles into a bacon factory.

Shy Shillingham from off-campus asks, “I heard that Charlie Weis drinks the blood of a dozen lambs before he enters the locker room on game-day. Is that true? And if so, why did the University of Washington still go 2-9 last year?”

Well, Shy, I’m not too sure what the Washington Huskies football team, led by former Irish coach Ty Willingham, has to do with your question, but someone must have been pulling your leg when they told you that one. According to Weis’ personal chef, Wolfgang Puck, Charlie has a very specific routine for eating and drinking prior to every game. He starts the morning off with a 128-ounce porterhouse steak and a Colt 45. For lunch, he rides his noble steed into the woods behind St. Mary’s College, spears a wild boar, skins the ferocious beast with a plastic butter knife, eats the great pig raw and picks his teeth afterward with the animal’s tusks. To wash it down, he spikes St. Joseph’s Lake with a thousand bottles of Bacardi 151 and drinks the entire body of water with a thimble. Only then does he begin strategizing for the afternoon’s game.

Masan Asmallah of Keough Hall writes, “My brother who still lives in Baghdad tells me that the United States did actually find weapons of mass destruction when they invaded Iraq. Is it true that those WMDs were in fact the guns of Tom Zbikowski?”

Another great question, Masan. I actually had to put in a call to General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to find out this answer, and much to my surprise, you were absolutely correct. Buried deep within a labyrinth of winding tunnels that was discovered under Saddam’s most sacred palace, a group of Army Rangers stumbled upon a sealed hyperbaric chamber which contained the Iraqi leader’s most dangerous weapons. Sitting there, in between a large container of anthrax and a tube of enriched plutonium, was the Irish safety and kick returner.

Sadly, we have run out of space, but hopefully some of the greatest myths about the Fighting Irish have been debunked. For answers to any other questions that were not addressed here about Brady Quinn, Charlie Weis or other Notre Dame football stars, please refer to the Gospel of John, Chapter 3, Verse 16.

Go Irish. Beat Yellow Jackets.

Joey Falco is a senior American Studies major and Journalism, Ethics, and Democracy minor. He can be reached at [email protected]

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.