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Facebook news feed from hell

Joe Piarulli and Katie Perry | Friday, September 8, 2006

Most weeks, nothing of significance happens in the world. People starve to death, rob each other, murder, etc. Of course, none of these events can hope to impact our lives as significantly as the one earth shattering development that everyone is talking about: Face-book is different. The Facebook news feed has changed the complexion of our existence with its abundance of not-quite relevant information. We now have at our fingertips the capacity to know every move our friends, classmates and hot girls (or guys) we friended when we were so trashed that one night make. Soon our entire lives may have the benefit of instantaneous social information:

8:57 a.m. – You have been tagged in the album, “Ugliest people on this campus.”9:07 a.m. – Your roommate had a girl in your bed last night.9:08 a.m. – Your sister slept with your roommate last night.9:17 a.m. – Your sister has joined the group “I slept with [your name]’s roommate.”11:26 a.m. – 18 of your friends have joined the group “[your name] is a tool … and the new facebook is creepy.”12:14 p.m. – Your girlfriend and Ricky “Latino Lovefest” Martinez are now friends.1:18 p.m. – You have been tagged in the album, “Gay, fine by me? Not really.”1:43 p.m. – Jeff Samardzija has commented on one of your photos: “Nice hair, idiot.”2:26 p.m. – Your girlfriend has joined the group “I was poked by Ricky Martinez … and on Facebook too.”3:19 p.m. – Your mother and your father have ended a relationship.4:08 p.m. – Your mother bought new underwear.4:11 p.m. – Your father and John “The Baptist” Jenkins have joined the group, “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.”4:30 p.m. – Ronald Talley has joined the group, “Brady Quinn … I’d sack that.”4:41 p.m. – Ronald Talley and Brady Quinn are no longer friends.5:37 p.m. – Joe Paterno is attending the Notre Dame-Penn State game (but he will have no idea where he is).7:12 p.m. – Your sister posted on your roommate’s wall, “Do you think [your name here] knows?”8:56 p.m. – Your girlfriend has commented on one of your photos: “Is that your roommate? He’s hot.”9:34 p.m. – Theodore Hesburgh has invited you to the event, “13th floor library blacklight rave: book cases and case races.”

Facebook. Where would we be without it?