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Inside Column: Worthy of the Mohawk?

Dan Murphy | Friday, September 29, 2006

There is a very limited amount of people who have ever been cool enough, crazy enough and tough enough to successfully maintain a mohawk. So to the growing cult of Zibby-wannabes: if you cannot meet at least a few of the following criteria, please steer clear of the razor this weekend.

We will start with perhaps the most recognizable mohawk of our generation: Mr. T. Despite spending his twilight eliminating long distance phone costs, our exhibit A – and The A-team’s finest – has brought cool to a whole new level. He established himself as a trendsetter with his shameless gold neck jewelry and countless earrings.

And although he is necklace-free, our own Mr. Z is setting some trends of his own.

Next we turn our attention to the world of heavy metal music, where Tommy Z comes ‘hawk to ‘hawk with world-class drummer Tommy Lee. The one-time husband of Baywatch babe Pamela Anderson is infamous for his crazy hotel parties and hardcore rock. As is evident in his short-lived film career, Lee lives his life in the fast lane and has the haircut to match.

Tommy Z has never trashed a hotel room (that we know about), but he’s torn apart enough punt coverages to land himself in the same category of Motley Crew’s pride and joy.

To find the toughest of mohawks we have to go back to World War II where members of the 101st Airborne paratroopers put an end to the crew cut and grew out their ‘hawks. The “Filthy 13,” as they called themselves, were the first to land at Normandy on D-Day and eliminated hundreds of enemy shooters in minutes.

Although it took a little longer than 49 seconds to deliver their knockout blow, the men of the 101st are easily the toughest to use hair gel.

The first Mohawk was discovered on a man from 300 B.C. who died in his twenties. The man, who used plant oil to cement his spike, was preserved in a bog outside of Dublin, Ireland. The Irish have come a long way in the past two millennia, but clearly we have not lost our roots.

In conclusion, I strongly support backing your team. But unless you can compare with the esteemed list above I suggest you stick to the No. 9 jerseys.

If you feel your personality can be summed up in a single letter, yet still be powerful enough to change a man’s life in under a minute, then by all means break out the Bics.

Otherwise, learn from Samson’s mistakes and save your hair – and your dignity.