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A modest campaign proposal

Joey Falco | Monday, March 26, 2007

Today, I am announcing my future intention to possibly form an exploratory committee which could potentially uncover the chance that I may or may not declare my unofficial candidacy for the nomination of a particular party for the presidency of the United States of America. (Technically, I have to wait until I am 35 to do this, but if the current primary season has proven anything, it’s that it is never too early to start running for president. Consequently, all of my campaign promises will apply to the 2020 elections.)

My fellow Americans, this nation stands at a crossroads. We can merely sit back and allow the numerous problems facing the world to pile up like a stack of greasy dishes that were stolen from the dining hall and now sit in the rancid compost heap that is your off-campus kitchen sink. Or, we can put down our Nintendo Wii remotes, march into that kitchen, scrub the hell out of those dishes and get to work fixing the rest of America’s troubles.

If I am elected president of the United States (in 2020), America will begin tackling those problems which have festered in its kitchen sink for far too long. The time has come to ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can sack up and start doing for you. When I am finished with this place, America will be so much more than the shining city on a hill promised by Ronald Reagan – it will be a scintillating casino standing like a beacon of hope in the middle of an Indian reservation.

My first act as president (in 2020) will be to solve America’s growing dependency on foreign oil. Others have suggested developing new fuels like ethanol, some have advocated building hybrid cars and a few more have encouraged tapping into the oil supplies of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. I, however, offer an entirely new possibility: whale oil.

Throughout much of the 18th and 19th centuries, the United States dominated the global market in this most lucrative of hunting expeditions. Heroic whalers departing from New England sailed the seven seas in the hopes of bringing glory, money and vast supplies of wonderful whale oil back to the shores of America. For much of this era, nearly all of America’s oil needs were satisfied by the burning of whale spermaceti, and I see no reason why this great nation cannot return to those glory days when men were men and whales were merely fat wads of blubber meant to be incinerated into vats of hot oil. It’s called manifest destiny, people. So let’s quit whining about saving the whales and start hurling enormous barbed harpoons into their eyes until they helplessly bleed to death for the sake of our V8 engines.

My second act as president (in 2020) will be to eradicate the global warming that Al Gore has recently been so bold as to inconvenience us all with. Sure, we could take the easy way out and reduce our carbon dioxide emissions to Kyoto Protocol standards, but what’s the fun in that? We’re America – the land of the free and the home of the Cadillac Escalade. Let’s solve global warming the American way.

I hereby propose that we compensate for the dwindling ozone layer by constructing a new atmospheric layer of insulation out of one of this country’s greatest heat protectors – asbestos. Yes, my fellow Americans, for decades we insulated our homes, schools and offices with this magnificent substance, and at what risk? A little lung cancer?

Ladies and gentlemen, let me be the first to say that I would much rather protect our polar ice caps and our coastlines while contracting asbestosis than have Miami Beach and its topless women sink into the Atlantic with a bunch of drowning polar bears while I come down with melanoma. This nation was built upon sacrifice, and now we must follow in the footsteps of other American martyrs – like Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr. and Anna Nicole Smith – by sacrificing ourselves for the greater good of this country.

Finally, the problem of illegal immigration has long burdened lawmakers who must attempt to balance the rights of diligent immigrant families with those of American citizens whose way of life is often risked by this influx of illegal workers. Everything from massive deportations to Great Walls of China to complete amnesty has been proposed, but none of these plans truly protect the American people.

As your president (in 13 years), I will solve this problem for good by using a simple protective measure that I picked up from some of my favorite medieval knight movies. I’m talking, of course, about moats. In a matter of months, the entire U.S.-Mexican border will be trenched out like a World War I battlefield. We will then fill this ditch with billions of gallons of the murkiest water in the country – derived mostly from Lake Erie and the north Jersey shore. Finally, we will load this moat with the most ferocious animals known to man, including crocodiles, hippopotamuses, stingrays, the University of Miami football team, piranhas and, of course, the Loch Ness Monster.

The only way into America from Mexico will eventually be an enormous wooden drawbridge that spans between San Diego and Tijuana in southern California. Unfortunately for all of those illegal immigrants hoping to cross it, I’m not going to tell them the password. That’s classified … although I’m tentatively considering the phrase “Taco, burrito, what’s coming out of your Speedo?”

Yes, my fellow Americans, I know you’re thinking that my future candidacy is too good to be true. More importantly, you’re probably wondering what political party would support such practical and astute policies. Well, after unsuccessfully petitioning the Democratic, Republican, Libertarian, Green and Know-Nothing Parties, I was forced to branch off and start the Dance Party for the sake of this great nation.

So in 13 years, with these policies at my side, the Dance Party and I will be on to Iowa, on to New Hampshire, on to South Carolina and on to the White House! Yeaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, and God bless the United States of America.

Joey Falco is a senior American Studies major and Journalism, Ethics, and Democracy minor. He can be reached at [email protected]

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of The Observer.