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Squirrels are evil

Chris McGrady | Thursday, March 22, 2007

If there’s one thing that I have learned while at Notre Dame, it doesn’t have to do with theology or English. It’s not about friendship or religion, life, work, society or university life. It has nothing to do with relationships, truth, faith, imagination or the development of a viable skill set that will help me in the real world. It’s simply that squirrels are evil.

Yeah, I said it. These furry fiends attack at a moment’s notice and the truth is that the squirrels of Notre Dame are multiplying.

Yeah, you know the ones – the obese little fluff-balls that roam this campus like bloodthirsty scavengers. They are growing in numbers by the day. In their plot to control the football team, run the dining halls and disrupt the campus sprinkler systems, the squirrels require a large amount of funding. To defray the cost, these beasts seek monetary “donations” obtained largely through armed robbery of helpless North Face wearing, iPod-toting students.

To help avoid these surprisingly carnivorous beasts, I’d like to make you aware of a few of their strategies for overtaking the common student. Remember, knowing your enemy is key to survival.

The first tactic is called the “wolf pack.” In this strategy, the squirrels attack in large numbers, sometimes 40 or 50 deep. They overtaken the victim by sheer force and drag them off to their secret lair (thought to be somewhere in South Dining Hall).

Another tactic often employed by these animal assassins is the “kitty coup.” Only certain squirrels are able to pull this off, but given the large size of these monsters, it can be done. A particularly chunky squirrel is outfitted with a cat collar and poses on the quad as a harmless feline friend. The unsuspecting victim approaches the “cat” and is quickly subdued by a strong tranquilizer stolen from the chemistry lab. Hours later, the injured party awakens frightened, alone, and 100 Flex Points poorer. These creatures will show no mercy.

In addition to the large possum or “cat-like” squirrels, there is another variety called sprinters. These smaller, more agile creatures dupe their victims with exceptional speed.

As one undisclosed junior says, “Those squirrels are quick as [expletive]. They’ll run up your pant leg and take you down.”

This is not an exaggeration – this is the plain and simple truth. Try out running these speedsters and you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of a squirrel showdown.

Until NDSP starts an initiative to help control the squirrel population, it is necessary to become educated about the dangers of these horrific brutes. This may seem ridiculous to you, but when you see one of these fatal mammalian creatures approaching you, you’ll know to be on your guard.