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April Fool’s mediocrity

Bill Brink | Monday, April 2, 2007

I woke up Sunday morning (fine, Sunday afternoon) with every intention of starting my day early, being productive and getting all of my work done in time for opening night of Major League Baseball.

Of course, like every other Sunday, I hit a roadblock that hindered my goal. This roadblock, however, was more tangible than the others; I opened my door on the way to the bathroom to find what looked like a solid steel wall barricading me into my room.

It turned out to be duct tape, but it contained a type-set sign indicative of just what day it was. The sign simply said – “April Fools.”

One of the most entertaining days of the year, April Fool’s Day came and went again yesterday without a bona fide prank. The duct tape was good, yes, but the pranks just went downhill from there.

I received an e-mail from my AR that the Zoo, Fisher Hall’s claim-to-fame party held the night before the Fisher Regatta, had been cancelled. Reasons cited – too many rules infractions and the fact that next year’s RAs are abroad. Fat chance.

Later, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she was taken to the hospital Saturday night after falling out of a van, landing on a broken bottle and slicing her arm open. Although this is something she would conceivably do, she forgot she talked to me the night before and made no mention of a hospital trip.

What happened to the good April Fool’s Day pranks? The day used to be filled with brilliantly conceived debaucheries that could bring the chosen victim to tears.

My cousin once busted out a bottle of ketchup and a carving knife, laid out a murder scene and went to town on his mother and sisters. Like any good mother would, she went bonkers, then flipped out again once she found it to be a prank.

ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons once convinced ESPN Radio host Dan Patrick that former player and manager Pete Rose, who received a lifetime ban from baseball for gambling, was going to be allowed into the Hall of Fame. He deceived not only Patrick but also the millions of listeners glued to their radios.

The best prank I’ve heard of to date came from my high school days. A girl, in a heartless act of aggression/radiant display of ingenuity, told her boyfriend she was pregnant. Needless to say, the poor young man was too busy trying to restart his heart beat and rearrange his future to remember the date.

The meaning of the day careened downhill from the glory days of the past. People need to take their April 1st more seriously in the future.

Why didn’t I think of something, you may ask? A creative, naughty idea to break the streak of disappointing pranks? My Saturday was jam-packed. I was too busy watching Entourage DVDs and imagining what my life would be like if I were Turtle.

You know, Turtle would pull some sweet April Fool’s shenanigans. Call it inspiration for next year.