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Jets update

Greg Arbogast | Monday, September 17, 2007

One week after a nail-biting loss to the New England Patriots, new Jets starting quarterback Kellen Clemens led a furious comeback effort, throwing for 177 yards in the fourth quarter. But a Ray Lewis interception in the end zone sealed a 20-13 win for the Ravens.

In the post-game press conference, Jets coach Eric Mangini couldn’t contain his frustration, especially with Clemens.

“If Kellen [Clemens] had played like he did in the fourth quarter for the first three quarters, he would have thrown for over 700 yards,” Mangini said. “The day was not a complete loss, however. I did have Carson Palmer on my fantasy team.”

Down 17-3, the comeback effort started between the third and fourth quarter when Mangini rushed his team into the locker room where they received a “priceless pep talk” from Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.

“It’s all about finding the right channel at the right time,” Mangini said. “You know Peyton is out there somewhere. After all, he is the face of the NFL, him and Tank Johnson.”

Former starting QB Chad Pennington said, Mangini “can’t motivate us like Peyton does.”

“I mean Coach is here all the time. We only get to see Peyton once or twice a commercial break, and sometimes only for 30 seconds. When Peyton speaks, we listen.”

The Jets defense – paranoid of having its signals stolen after last week’s antics of voyeur Bill Belichick – tried a new tactic this Sunday, refusing to call defensive plays. Jets LB Jonathan Vilma supported the decision, saying, “Sure it created some problems early on, but we came together and worked as a team. It’s a lot like that shameless attempt at ratings by CBS, Kid Nation. 40 kids. No adults. One town. Will they all perish in a drought? Wednesday on CBS. Those poor kids.”

The fallout continues this week from the largest scandal since Enron – the controversy surrounding Bill Belichick’s illicit videotaping of other men. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has stripped the Patriots of all their future draft picks, so long as Belichick lives. It is now clear that the new commissioner is not here to mess around, having put the Patriots in quite the moral quandary.

The question now becomes, how far are they willing to go to win?

This article was written in collaboration with Rob Wilson. It should also be said that this is a work of fiction, although we admit that the events mentioned are eerily similar to those of the actual universe.