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B-Mac for President

Brian McKenzie | Friday, March 14, 2008

The Indiana primaries are fast upon us and, as you know, the country is facing very seriously grave problems. This is why America needs you to vote B. Mac for president.

My rivals have suggested that I am not fit to be president. I will admit that I am not a typical candidate, what with my morality, humility and stunning good looks.

Indeed, as class president in the fifth grade, I have accumulated more executive experience than my three rivals combined. But enough about my experience and on to the gravely serious problems we face.  

Like Senator Obama, I will agree unconditionally to meet with the leaders of states like Iran and Syria. Furthermore, I pledge that I will end every sentence with them with “or else.” 

Like Senator McCain, I have a bold national security strategy that will fully integrate each branch of our armed services. What would the role of a fully integrated Air Force look like, you ask? Please see my attached map of Iran for more details.  

Like Senator Clinton, I vow to offer mandated universal healthcare to every American. And my healthcare plan is this: Get a job. If any Americans are delinquent in meeting their mandate, I promise to understand that this is not because they are unwilling or unable to work but because of the tender mercies of a cold, heartless NAFTA treaty that I might theoretically have once supported. Accordingly, I will offer these oppressed Americans an involuntary position on American Gladiators.

As Americans, we believe in freedom. As Americans, we believe in the fundamental dignity of human beings (Except terrorists, obviously).

As Americans, we believe that my opponents are a disheveled bunch of KKK crack addicts that are wholly unqualified to run anything more complicated than a food processor.  

My opponents are pawns of special interests. Big Oil, Big Labor, Big Media and Big Toilet Paper (not to be confused with Big Media) are so incestuously close to my opponents that even describing their relationship is illegal in twenty states.

I will stand up to these somehow legal groups and defend every American’s right to toilet paper that makes Notre Dame’s huddle in the corner and cry.

In conclusion, vote for me (or else!) If you require any other information, please see my campaign website at www.superheronation.com