Football: God strikes Wise dead
Horseman No. 3 | Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.
In August, Notre Dame coach Chuck Wise told reporters that “God strike me dead” if he used the word “rebuilding.”
Monday, God delivered on that request.
During a post-practice news conference, Wise updated the media on his plans for a new headquarters for Banana and Friends, his charity for developmentally disabled children.
“We aren’t buying any new land,” he said. “We’re really just rebuilding the existing headquarters.”
At that moment, the roof of the Guglielmo Athletic Center was ripped open and a lightning bolt from heaven smote Wise.
God later issued a statement explaining the smiting.
“Mr. Wise expressly requested that he be struck dead if he used the word “rebuilding,” the Supreme Being said. “He used that word today. In accordance with heavenly policy, Mr. Wise was summarily smote.”
Heaven press secretary Michael the Archangel said that Wise “had been living kinda dangerously.”
“The team sucked last year,” Michael said. “And even though God doesn’t care who wins football games, his mother does. And you do not want to see Mary angry.”
Michael also said that God considered using a giant finger to smite Wise, but that he decided on the lightning bolt “because it’s way cooler.”
The Notre Dame theology department was quickly convened to discuss the implications of the smiting.
“We felt that God acted unfairly, because Wise was clearly talking about a rebuilding season and not the rebuilding of an actual building,” associate professor Abicus O’Hoolihan said.
O’Hoolihan was later found in his office transformed into a pillar of salt. God was not available for further comment.
Former Notre Dame defensive coordinator Corduroy Braun was promoted to interim head coach. Linebacker Marty Krun said the team, while sad at the loss of coach Wise, expects to continue spring practice as planned.
“We’re just going to keep working hard,” Krun said. “We’re just trying to get better.”
Linebackers coach Tom Thanuta was promoted to defensive coordinator in place of Braun.
“Thanuta no scared,” he said. “Thatuta blitz!”