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University considers a deal with the Devil

Rita Skeeter | Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Editor’s Note: This article is a part of The Observer’s April Fools Special Section and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Absurder sources have learned that University President Father Jim Spankins is currently weighing accepting a deal with the Devil himself, who also goes by the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer, Satan and Mephistopheles.

Under the proposed agreement, Lucifer himself would see to it that the University of Notre Dame football team, which had a miserable 3-9 record last season, would go 13-0 en route to winning the national NCAA Championship over Ohio State by no less than a 45 point margin of victory.

In return, Satan asks only that “The Vagina Monologues” become required First Year of Studies curriculum for all students.

“It’s a pretty simple deal,” the Devil said in an interview in the basement of South Dining Hall. Wreathed in shadows, he appeared only as a pair of glowing red eyes set amidst a swirling coil of darkness somewhat similar to the smoke monster seen on ABC’s popular television series “Lost.” “Eve Ensler is my homegirl. Deal or no deal. Let’s go, I have other things I could be doing, such as luring souls to the precipice of eternal damnation.”

The Devil himself admitted that he “drove a hard bargain,” but said that Spankins didn’t have much choice in the matter.

“Did you seriously think last season was what, a fluke?” the Prince of Darkness continued. “A few bad bounces against the Irish? A few breaks going the wrong way? Come on, people. That was all me.”

Satan also reiterated his relative position of power in the negotiations, intoning, “What? Do you think I won’t do it again this season? ‘Cause I will. You all laughed because I helped Appalachian State topple your rival in Michigan last year. ” While he wouldn’t hint at the precise nature of his dastardly plans, the Devil did say, “You all have San Diego State first on the schedule this year. At home, nonetheless. Can you say, ‘sequel?'”

“Obviously, there are pros and cons whenever you’re considering a deal, especially with an entity such as Hades himself,” Spankins said of his current musings. “When you push back from the bargaining table and shake on [the deal], you kinda want to make sure you still have all your fingers attached afterwards.”

“What people don’t realize is, heavy is the head that wears the crown,” Spankins said, sighing and slumping in his chair. “Or the papal hat, which represents our strong Catholic morals here, or the mortarboard, which represents academic freedom. You see, I have a lot of hats I have to wear here as the president of the University, and one of them happens to be, well, a baseball hat, but it reads NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL on it. Plus, and not to sound hopeless here, but we all hoped and prayed and went to the Grotto last year, and all it netted us was three wins and a trip to the toilet bowl.”

“I mean, let’s cut to the chase here: either we get better at football soon, or I’m out of this chair anyways, ‘Vagina Monologues’ or no.”

“Besides,” he said, “winning cures all evils, does it not? So if you follow my line of thinking, we’ll start racking up the Ws next season and maybe the whole ‘deal with the devil’ thing will just sort itself out.”

While he wouldn’t set a hard deadline regarding the Devil’s offer, Spankins did say that timing had a large part in determining when he would announce his decision.

“Obviously, you can’t go public with a deal like this on say, Good Friday. That wouldn’t be kosher,” Spankins said. “After the rebirth of newly risen Lord, the Devil tends to be a little weaker, a little less confident. Who knows, maybe he’ll sweeten the deal and toss in a guaranteed berth for our men’s basketball team in the Elite Eight next season? For now, it’s best to sit and wait. We still have time before the season starts.”

“Absolutely not,” the Devil raged after hearing of Spankins’ plans to sit on his hands. “Who does this guy think he is? First off, I put Mike Brey in that position for a reason. The best defense against having a good offense, or a good defense, is hiring Brey. If he hadn’t approached me and cut a deal first, he’d have fulfilled his destiny of selling used cars in Nebraska for all of eternity.”

While the delay continues, the Devil said he has big plans for Notre Dame’s spring training. “Expect to see a lot of ankle sprains,” he said, “and more mysterious bone spurs in Jimmy Clausen’s throwing shoulder. Tell Spankins to call me when he’s ready to deal” he said before disappearing into the ground with an accompanying thunderclap. “He has my number.”