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War on Walsh begins

Inside Column | Monday, March 30, 2009

It has been over a year since the victory celebrated across campus on V-W Day. Those heinous Amazons were stopped, their encroachment upon the rights of Otters and those who call Otters friends halted. Our war was just, our fighting superior, our valor unassailable, and our tummies furry and full of shellfish.

But since that victory, we free Domers have been guilty of a grave error. We have been content to rest on our laurels; frolicking, swimming and grooming without a care in the world. We Sorinites, the vanguard of liberty and fashion sense, have had the wool pulled over our eyes.

Darkness has descended over the land. A darkness that knows no boundaries, no respect. A darkness that treads upon the sacrosanct grass of God Quad, and uses the front stairs of the Dome, even though it won’t be graduating for few years. A darkness that doesn’t smell bad, per se, but that has an odor that makes us uncomfortable.

It began small, with protestation of the terms of the Treaty of Bond Quad. We Otters are a fair breed. The agreement was just: their leaders were tried in an intramural court and assigned responsibility for the fighting, and we Otters maintained control over their arms caches (no more than two per person) as well as exclusive use of the dumpster behind their building.

But the terms set forth, 14 in total, were apparently too much. After allying with and eventually annexing the Knights of Columbus building (their small yet culturally rich neighbor to the south), these women have now threatened an invasion of St. Ed’s, (a historically neutral dorm) to facilitate a game of Assassins with Keenan, a game denounced in a Hall Presidents’ Council meeting as “totally lame.”

This unacceptable breach of the morality of this University is something for which we cannot stand! For too long have we lain idly by, cracking clams on our stomachs while floating in the lake. The threat is real, and the horror of war is upon us once again. Though the path will be difficult and the carnage unspeakable, we must act. We must fight with every fiber of our beings. And though we will lose good men, probably around the beginning of May, the price of inaction would be far greater.

So we will fight. We will fight for honor. We will fight for our children, which we hope to have in 10 years or so, depending on the economy. We will fight for justice, for truth and for the Irish. Prepare yourselves W.I.L.D. Women of Walsh. The sleeping Otter has been awoken. And he is tired of all your B.S.

With this in mind, we, the Screaming Otters of Sorin College, officially declare war upon Walsh Hall. Without immediate and unconditional surrender by Prime Minister McCarthy, we will initiate our campaign, code named Operation D.D.D.W.C.S. Without cooperation, Quad War II will begin, not by our paws but by the actions of their own tyrannical and greedy regime.

Our victory will be absolute.


The Men of Sorin College