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Daniel Sportiello | Thursday, October 1, 2009

It’s that time of year.

The weather is dreary, and the football team is starting to underperform like a Charlie Weis team once again. Not to mention that South Dining Hall has decided not to restock fresh food until after Fall Break.

To fight back against the disappointments of Mother Nature, the Fat Plague and corn-dog buffets, consider pulling these pranks to make the Golden Dome shine a little brighter.

Wing-It Rudy:

Sneak into the football team’s procession to the

Stadium by dressing up in a suit and tie, hiding just inside Fitzpatrick and blending in undetected as the group walks past. Aim for Sam Young’s vicinity – he might just hold you all the way to the locker room.

NBC Revenge:

On a large poster board, paint an acronymic advertisement for NBC on one side. For example, a poster reading, “ND / Believes in / Community,” accompanied by a headshot of Joel McHale might entice the network to give some extra time to its new show during a football game. Once the camera focuses on your ad, flip it over to reveal your true message. Something along the lines of “NBC / Beats / Children” would do.

Second Coming:

Gather a bunch of plastic crates like those used to ship Coca-Cola products, and place them in the bottom of the reflecting pool, forming a line from one side to the other. Dress up in a robe and sash on a home football Saturday and walk across the crates to render tourists speechless by creating the impression that you are walking on water. If nonbelievers doubt thy divinity, remind them of one of your other talents – drain the reflecting pool overnight and refill it with a couple hundred boxes of Franzia by the morning.

Nut Block:

Buy a stuffed squirrel from Ebay, and then freeze the squirrel in a block of ice. Under a snow drift, place the ice block of squirrel in a high traffic area like South Quad or the entrance to DeBartolo. For added effect, throw in some nuts and manipulate the stuffed squirrel into a pose to make it appear as if he was chasing, or perhaps juggling, the nuts when he met his fate.

Seismic Stonehenge:

Construct a paper mache replica of a slab of stone. Attach a fish line and place your creation on top of Stonehenge. Wait for tourists to approach and yank on the line, causing panic by triggering the deadly-looking stone slab to the ground.

The Observer bears no responsibility for any unlawful or disgraceful actions inspired by this column.