Mythical Match-Ups round two
Nick Anderson, Matt Brown, Eric Prister and Szymon Ryzner | Friday, October 9, 2009
The Kraken def. the Nymph
The Nymph successfully gained entry into the tricky Mythical Bracket but was soon overwhelmed by the Kraken, who used his sheer size on the path to victory.
Each side played to their strengths early, the Kraken staying immersed in the water section of the field while the Nymph majestically wandered the forest and rivers. Despite an early attempt to seduce the Kraken with its beauty, the nymph was quickly demolished by a variety of menacing tentacles.
Cerberus def. the Minotaur
In an early battle of the bruisers, Cerberus came from behind to end the championship hopes of the Minotaur.
The mythical monsters started the battle at full sprint, both attempting to engage the opponent at a disadvantage. Both landed blows, Cerberus with his teeth and claws and the Minotaur with his axe. The Minotaur was slow to rise due to its hooves and thus took a few bites and scratches on its way up.
After circling each other, the Minotaur held its axe toward Cerberus but failed to maintain its balance and Cerberus snapped at its clenched wrist, forcing the Minotaur to lose its weapon and engage Cerberus with its only remaining option – hand to paw combat.
After grappling on the ground and rolling to and fro, it was Cerberus who was able to inflict lasting damage on the Minotaur, who soon had nothing left to give.
The Manticore def. the Pegasus
In what came as no surprise, the range and close-combat monstrosity the Manticore easily poisoned the Pegasus’ chance for mythical immortality.
Utilizing both its aerial and land attacks, the Manticore simply had too many weapons for the Pegasus to keep track of, and defeated the Pegasus easily.
Scylla def. the Harpy
The terrifying Scylla stunned the equally ugly Harpy into fearful submission, tearing the flying beast apart on her way to victory.
“I can’t believe the creature had never seen anything as terrifying as I am,” Scylla said after an impressive one sided defeat.
Medusa def. the Cyclopes
Using her most potent power, Medusa petrified the Cyclopes in a single glance on her way to victory.
After the match, the Cyclops blamed his depth perception for the loss.
“She just blended in so well with her surroundings. Also no one clarified that she could turn me to rock with a single glance,” the Cyclopes said. “I just ran into the area, knocked over some trees, looked around to find my opponent and bam! That was it.”
The Sphinx def. the Cockatrice
The clever Sphinx outwitted the enormous, but much less intelligent Cockatrice in a battle of both wits and brawn.
Speed, intellect and claws were a dangerous combination, something the bird-brained Cockatrice learned in its first round matchup.
The Griffin def. the Chimera
The agile Griffin de-wings the Chimera early and claws into an upset victory.
The Griffin’s clever first strike was to assault the Chimera’s wings from above, but after a fall from grace the Chimera was forced to resort to ground-based attacks. The Griffin swooped and bit at the Chimera from every direction until the Chimera was tired and could no longer defend itself from the onslaught, giving the Griffin an upset victory.
The Hydra def. the Faun
The Faun attempted to distract the Hydra with his flute, but the Hydra gobbled him up in a single bite.
The Faun gave a valiant effort but could not save himself in this mythical mismatch. The second ranked Hydra prepares for its second round matchup.
Paul Bunyan def. Jack Frost
Paul Bunyan, trekking from the great northern tundra, towered over the arena, painting an imposing picture which lingered in the mind of his opponent on his way to victory. Jack Frost, an icy, elemental force, made the first offensive strike, nipping at the nose of Bunyan. With one fell swoop of the ax, Frost’s head was sheared from his body, leaving a bloody stump and a victorious lumberjack.
The Boogeyman def. El Chupacabra
In a close match between two terrors of the night, El Chupacabra, despite his physical gifts, was quickly driven mad by the nightmares found in the eyes of the Boogeyman. Left cold and alone in the middle of the ring, El Chupacabra was carried away to spend the rest of his days in an asylum.
The Werewolf def. the Hodag
While sharing many similar features, such as razor sharp talons and grotesque teeth, the Werewolf used his distinct size advantage to overcome the Hodag.
Suffering only minor injuries, the Werewolf tore the Hodag limb from limb, shaming the entire state of Wisconsin in the process.
“New Jersey should be counting its blessings that I didn’t face their devil in the first round,” the Werewolf said.
The Gremlin def. the Loch Ness Monster
In the first matchup of the bracket which involved a sea creature, the Loch Ness Monster was unable to use this advantage to gain victory against the duplicating Gremlin.
Nessie forced his opponent to enter the water to engage in combat, but was unaware of the first rule of Gremlins: don’t let them get wet. The Gremlin quickly multiplied, overtaking the Monster as one became thousands, leaving only bones at the bottom of the lake.
The Yeti def. the Jersey Devil
Because of its ability to fly, the Devil was able to hold out much longer than it has any right to, but in the end, using its strength to overcome, the Yeti was victorious.
The Jersey Devil was shrouded in mystery as it made its appearance in the ring. At an underwhelming three and a half feet tall, he was far from the expected imposing figure.
“I expected a much larger Devil,” said the Yeti. “When I saw how scrawny he was, I knew I had the victory in the bag.”
Swooping circles punctuated with sharp kicks from his hooves gave the Jersey Devil an early lead, but the match spiraled to an end when one dive swung too close, which allowed the Yeti to latch onto his enemy’s wing, ending in an implosion of blood, cartilage and the snapping of bones.
The Leprechaun def. the Tiyanak
The Tiyanak, a heavily favored three seed, turned in the most disappointing performance of the first round, falling to the inebriated Leprechaun.
Seeing only a small chance at victory, the Leprechaun prepared for the match by getting excessively drunk. As the match commenced, the Leprechaun, in his drunken stupor, started to remove his clothes. While the Tiyanak waited, the Leprechaun then replaced his clothing, but in his impaired state, he unintentionally put them on inside-out. Confused by its only weakness, the Tiyanak wandered into the water and drowned, leaving the Leprechaun both victorious and unconscious.
The Sasquatch def. The Mermaid
In another highly anticipated match at the water, the Sasquatch was able to defeat the Mermaid surprisingly quickly.
The Mermaid, attempting to stab with its trident, was ripped from the stream. Then, displaying all the agility of an elephant seal, the Mermaid was quickly ended by a heavy rock thrown by the victorious Sasquatch.
The Genie def. the Jackalope
The Jackalope, an abomination in the eyes of God, stood no chance against the Genie’s phenomenal cosmic powers. Seconds after the fight began, only a wisp of smoke and a lamp remained.
The Balrog def. the Sparkly Twilight Vampire
In the most fulfilling victory in the first round, the Balrog dominated the Sparkly Twilight Vampire, capitalizing on the S.T.V.’s weaknesses.
The Balrog had trouble at first with the S.T.V.’s quickness, but was able to capture him using the fire whip as the S.T.V. was distracted by a nearby butterfly which tore at his emotions. Once in his grasp, the S.T.V. had no way to escape, and was defeated soundly.
The Giant def. the Phoenix
Using his height, the Giant was able to overcome the Phoenix’s flying ability on his way to victory.
The Phoenix took off immediately and attempted to gouge out the Giant’s eyes with his iron talons, but the Giant grabbed the Phoenix out of the air, crushing it between his palms before depositing it in the lake. The Phoenix soon rose from the dead, but the Giant had already been ruled victorious.
“In short, I’m not pleased with the judge’s decision,” the Phoenix said after the match.
The Ent def. Frankenstein
The overpowering Ent acted quickly and used his size and strength to seal his victory, not allowing Frankenstein to use his secret weapon.
“My plan was to make a fire, something that, coincidentally, I discovered soon after I was given life,” Frankenstein said. “He just reacted too quickly, and I had no chance against those huge limbs.”
Merlin def. the Dwarf
Magic was might for Merlin as his spell-casting ability was more than enough to lead him to victory over the physically stronger but far less powerful Dwarf.
The Dwarf tried to use brute strength right from the start, but Merlin used some quick staff work to bind the Dwarf and suspend him off the cliff until he conceded victory.
“I felt disrespected by the 4-seed,” said Merlin. “I think this performance proves that I’m a force to be reckoned with.”
The Centaur def. the Vampire
In one of the best-fought battles of the first round, the Centaur was able to avoid the Vampire’s fanged attach and defeat him.
“The Vampire is so hard to kill,” the Centaur said. “I had to make a specially crafted arrow from a wooden stake and aim my shot carefully, right into the heart.”
The Vampire turned into a bat, attempting to get near enough for a bite, but the Centaur’s speed and bow and arrow accuracy was too much for him to overcome.
Grendel def. the Gnome
Using speed and brute strength much like that of a bear, Grendel was able to rip the Gnome limb from limb in one of the most dominating performances of the first round.
“After Beowulf, that little thing was nothing,” Grendel said.
The Elf def. the Basilisk
Outwitting the terrifying king of the serpents, the Elf eliminated the Basilisk’s most dangerous weapon before defeating it.
Intelligently, the Elf hid in a tree in the dense forest, forcing the Basilisk to use his sense of smell to try to discover his whereabouts. The Elf then fired two well-placed shots into the Basilisk’s eyes, removing the threat of petrification. The blinded Basilisk was then an easy target for the highly accurate Elf.
The Dragon def. the Goblin
In the quickest battle of the first round, the Dragon scorched the Goblin with its fire-breath only seconds after the match had begun.
“Who’s next?” the Dragon said, while enjoying his overly crispy dinner.
Godzilla def. the Dust Bunny
Godzilla overcame an early weakness to blow away the underprepared Dust Bunny.
The showdown commenced at high noon in the plains area of the arena, where the Dust Bunny remained motionless throughout the fight and watched as Godzilla was wracked with severe allergies. In end the dust Bunny’s potent offense turned against it as a watery eyed and stuffy Godzilla let out a whale of a sneeze, scattering the Dust Bunny to the four winds.
King Kong def. the Skeleton
King Kong showed little weakness, easily handling the skeleton in round one.
In one of the shortest matches of the first round, King Kong swiped once and the skeleton was spread across the field like butter across golden brown toast. The judges scrambled to find the remains, and are still searching for the left femur and most of the right hand.
Predator def. the Zombie
Showing amazing hunting prowess, Predator killed the Zombie in four ways at the same time.
Invisibly creeping up behind the Zombie, Predator simultaneously cut off its head, stabbed it, hit it with the energy cannon and ripped out its brainstem.
“I was just looking for a challenge,” Predator said. “Hopefully I find one at some point in the tournament.”
The Hellhound def. the Monty Python Rabbit
The Hellhound took advantage of its arcane knowledge to dispense of the Monty Python Rabbit.
Lacking the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, things looked dark for the Hellhound throughout the early stages of the fight. It disappeared and reappeared constantly, staying barely one step in front of the relentless rabbit. The tide finally turned against the rabbit when the Hellhound brought the C-4 of Babylon into play, and the match was over soon after.
The Wookie def. the Unicorn
The Wookie took advantage of its superior technology to power past the under-armed Unicorn.
In a battle that had the potential to be closer than any analyst would have imagined, the Wookie’s energy bowcaster quickly reminded viewers why the Wookie deserves its fifth seed. After several minutes of stalking through the woods, the Wookie fired a shot and stunned the unicorn. “ARRGRGRGRG,” the Wookie said as he ran up and finished off the majestic creature, ending the contest.
Alien def. the Poltergeist
Alien adapted to new its environment to oust the incorporeal Poltergeist.
When the Alien was sucked into a new dimension by the Poltergeist, it looked like curtains for the double-mouthed beast. It seems, however, that not only acid, but also ice runs through its veins. Quickly adapting to this new environment, the Alien ripped into the Poltergeist, shredding its ectoplasm and sending it to its final rest.
The Gargoyle def. the Banshee
The Gargoyle utilized its ears of stone to triumph over the Banshee.
The Banshee came out of the gates screaming, carrying out an impressive offensive attack. Unfortunately it fell on deaf ears, and with no soft tissue to scramble with its piercing yell, the Gargoyle flew out of the sky, catching the Banshee unaware and ending the match with a sickening crunch.
The Succubus def. the Mummy
The Mummy used a surprise army to annihilate Succubus in the highly anticipated first round match.
With its sex drive long dead – by a few millennia – the Mummy sidestepped the Succubus’s most potent advantage, its ethereal beauty.
“She just wasn’t that appealing to me,” the Mummy said.
After avoiding her one trap, the Mummy summoned the Armies of Anubis, and the jackal headed warriors made short, bloody work of the Succubus.