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Mythical Matchups

Eric Prister | Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Paul Bunyan def. the Hydra
Showing intelligence that many thought was far beyond his reach, Paul Bunyan used supreme strategy to defeat the multi-headed serpent.
“Everybody thought that I was completely unaware that his heads multiplied,” Bunyan said.
That was certainly the initial thought of the entire audience as Paul Bunyan started off the match by using his axe to sever seven of the Hydra’s heads. This, however, was his strategy, and he ran away soon after, avoiding the 16 heads that grew off the beast.
Using his supreme size and axe-handling skills, Bunyan was able to keep his distance from the Hydra and dexterously hacked off heads, forcing the Hydra to grow many more.
“I knew that the heads would eventually weigh him down,” the Hydra said. “I already had a size advantage, and the more heads that grew, the more speed I gained on him as well.”
Apparently feeling like 742 heads made the Hydra sufficiently slow, Paul Bunyan ran up the cliff and began the next phase of his eventual victory. His move to the cliff drew the Hydra underneath, and Bunyan started to chip away at a large chunk of the cliff.
The Hydra snapped away as Paul Bunyan broke off a gigantic chuck of rock, crushing the Hydra, who was unable to dodge the falling cliff because of his newfound obesity.

The Dragon def. Godzilla
Using a strategy that has served him well throughout the tournament, the Dragon used an aerial vantage point to dodge and destroy the king of the lizards.
Taking off instantly as he is want to do, the Dragon was patient and was able to survey the match before attacking. Godzilla became frustrated early, which played into the strengths of the Dragon. Firing lasers out of his mouth in all directions, Godzilla exhausted himself quickly, giving the Dragon his opportunity to strike.
“He’s just so dumb,” the Dragon said. “He gives all reptiles a bad name. King of the lizards? You’ve got to be kidding me.”
After exhausting Godzilla, the Dragon flew through the air in circles, and Godzilla could do nothing but follow him, making himself dizzy. The Dragon then took his opportunity and dove into Godzilla, knocking the giant lizard off of his feet. Wishing to show his domination, he used his fire breath and his claws to ravage Godzilla, who could do nothing now that he was both exhausted and dizzy.
“Intelligence over brawn, any day,” the Dragon said. “But wait, I was stronger than him too. Oh well, I was just better. And that’s why I won.”


The Dragon def. Paul Bunyan
In what truly was a clash of the titans, the Dragon came out on top in a battle that was fiercely contested and truly came down to the wire.
“Paul deserves credit,” the Dragon said. “I have all the respect in the world for him, and he beats me five times out of 10 in this battle. Having said that, I came out on top, and there’s a reason for that.”
The Dragon characteristically took off to start the match and tried to scope his territory. Paul Bunyan was so large, and the Dragon had to fly so high, that his vantage point became skewed and he returned to earth. He kept his distance from Paul Bunyan, who was also being patient, having learned from those who had previously lost to the Dragon.
“I knew that he would try to take me out of my element,” Bunyan said after the match. “I wasn’t going to let him do that.”
The Dragon knew that he would have to fly to be victorious, so he took off, but swooped quickly and came towards the giant lumberjack. He had to swerve just as quickly, however, because Paul Bunyan was ready for him, and the Dragon narrowly missed a mighty swipe of Bunyan’s axe.
Reading Bunyan’s intentions, the Dragon took off again, and faked a dive. Bunyan once again unleashed his axe, but the Dragon was ready, and dodged the attack before actually diving towards Bunyan. He took a mighty bite out of Paul Bunyan’s arm, forcing him to drop his axe.
The Dragon reacted quickly and grabbed the axe, flying it as far away from their current battlefield as he could. Upon returning, he faced Bunyan and they began to battle with brute force alone.
The Dragon tried to take off once more, but Bunyan grabbed him and held him down. The Dragon then let out a stream of fire, which scorched Bunyan’s skin. In this moment of hesitation, the Dragon was able to bite down on Bunyan’s neck, pinning him to the ground in a nearly helpless position. Bunyan tried to struggle away, but the Dragon’s vice-like grip with his teeth was too much, and Bunyan finally conceded defeat.
“I didn’t want to permanently damage such a fierce competitor,” the Dragon said. “He gave it his all, but I came out on top. I’m the champion, and that’s all that matters at this point.”