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Not quite Christmas yet…

Nick LaPlante | Tuesday, November 24, 2009

 Well, I’ve waited as long as I could. I’m supposed to be writing a midterm paper, but my hand has been forced, and my ear is pressed firmly against the grindstone. Does that make sense? Not really, but whatever. The tide of Christmas music and decorations has finally pushed me over the edge — my own Keough Hall has begun decorating for Christmas.

You would think something as sacred as the commercialized, secular Christmas season would command more reverence. I’ve always felt strongly that Christmas music and what not should be specifically reserved for, at most, the weeks between Turkey Day and Christmas. I would prefer not starting until December 1st, but impoverished college students can’t be choosers. The rest of society, however, deems it appropriate to begin spreading schmaltzy tidings of good cheer sometime circa Halloween. “Halloween? But that’s in October!” you might exclaim incredulously “In most normal places, there’s not even snow on the ground. Egad!” I know, I know — as Cat Stevens once said, “Oh, baby, baby, it’s a wild world.”
And yet it persists. Howard Schultz, although I love the man and all he’s done for my burgeoning caffeine addiction, is one of the most notorious enablers. It wasn’t too many years back when Starbucks refrained from serving holiday drinks until the second of December. Then the first. Then Thanksgiving. And now, to the extreme dissatisfaction of Peter Frampton, myself, and numerous others, November 2. That is altogether too early.
Following the principle of Double Effect, which I understand very little, and the teachings of the Catholic Church, I am fairly certain this is a mortal sin, one which usually results in an eternity of Hellish captivity in a pit filled with boiling monkey sputum. A Christmas season which occupies one-sixth of the year is altogether too long.
If this trend continues, soon there will be nothing special about all the Christmas classics, like Jimmy Buffet’s masterpiece of sanctimonious Yuletide cheer, “Ho ho ho and a bottle of Rum,” or “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation,” or robotic reindeer and Santa Claus spawning like weeds on lawns all across America.
Nick LaPlante
Nov. 23