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Sparkle motion

Jordan Gamble | Tuesday, November 17, 2009

 I am just as excited for the new “Twilight” movie as the next 21-year-old female. “New Moon” actually looks pretty darn entertaining. Everyone’s hair looks better and the action sequences feature Dakota Fanning and the guy who plays Colossus in the X-Men movies. If the clips in the TV spots are any indication, this thing might be a legitimately “good” movie, as far as an adaptation of a clichéd and derivative publishing phenomenon can be.

In fact, it looks so good that I am totally going to see it this Thursday at midnight. My friends and I got these tickets a month ago. 
Despite this seeming devotion, I was on the edge of really hating the whole enterprise a year ago. See, I read the first three books and loved them despite their grammatical mistakes and portrayals of emotionally abusive relationships. Then I read the fourth installment, “Breaking Dawn,” when it came out in summer 2008. This is when I had the first inkling that author Stephenie Meyer was really stupid. 
Spoiler: Bella’s one-time werewolf crush Jacob falls in love with Bella’s demon baby and then there’s all this build-up for an epic battle with the crinkly, ancient Italian vampire police and nothing. They talk it out, it’s okay that there’s a demon baby, Bella’s okay that her one-time crush will marry her demon-baby, and everyone lives happily ever after, because they are all vampires and werewolves and they can’t die. The end. Fade to black. And I paid $24.99, pre-ordered from Amazon, for this? 
Thank heavens the movies didn’t disappoint. “Twilight” was seriously the best comedy of 2008. My friends and I had no idea it would be so “LOL” worthy when we ventured out in a blizzard for the midnight Mishawaka premiere — we were expecting a dutifully angsty paranormal teenage romance. Nothing outrageous about that hope, right?
Instead, we spent half the movie with our scarves shoved in our mouths to keep from giggling at inappropriate moments. Kristen Stewart’s Bella just wouldn’t stop blinking! Robert Pattinson’s Edward scares off drunken frat boys by galloping in with a Volvo and then growling. There is a baseball game choreographed to Muse! Oh, and don’t even try to tell me you didn’t cry tears of mirth when Edward reveals his sparkly six-pack with the explanation of “This is the skin of killer, Bella!” 
But, really, I liked “Twilight.” Don’t doubt my commitment to Sparkle Motion: I can appreciate what things “Twilight” does well: Angst and more angst. Awkward human-vampire interaction. Pretty pine trees. 
So, naturally, I am excited for “New Moon.” Now there is awkward human-vampire-werewolf interaction. Taylor Lautner’s Jacob, the shirtless werewolf wonder, joins Bella’s collection of emotionally abusive and codependent relationships. And, there is more of those sparkly six-pack abs, only this time they’re revealed in Italy.
But I can’t back out now. I’m committed — I’ve got the print-out receipt from my pre-order tacked up on my loft. I’ll just have to make sure I bring a scarf to muffle my giggles this time, too.