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The merits of B-movies: “Bikini Bloodbath”

Brian Koepsel, Trevor Jackson and Fernando Rodriguez | Wednesday, November 4, 2009

You there. Are you tired of watching months of hype for the next “great” box office hit, only to be thoroughly disappointed in the product you so willingly dropped that 10 spot to see? Are you tired of forking over $10, $15, $20 for that latest DVD release, only to see your money sit on a shelf?

Well, we here have the solution for you: B-movies. We are classifying B-movies as basically independent films. These titles are available on Netflix. Why should these crappy movies even be remotely appealing to you? Two reasons: low cost, low expectations.
First, these movies are dirt cheap, and there are so many of them to choose from. Why go to Movies 14 and be forced to choose from only eight to 10 movies and still be charged $10 when you have literally hundreds of cheap or free movies at your fingertips on your laptop. Second, these movies start you off with very low expectations. This is great: If the movie is bad, you won’t even care because you expected it to be, and Scene probably even predicted  right here that it would be dreadful. Just pick something else and try again, because that $5 per month Netflix subscription goes a long way.

But what good would that subscription be, if you are left to your own devices with these swarms of movies to sift through without some guidance? Scene will be reviewing one of these esteemed films periodically to give you some worthy suggestions.

“Bikini Bloodbath”
“Bikini Bloodbath” (dir. Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour) is a relatively new (2006) film that chronicles a high school volleyball team’s party to celebrate the end of the semester. However, things get ugly when a murderous chef begins to reek havoc on the community with his meat cleaver and clever one-liners. The film is the first of three set series, all starring Debbie Rochon as the lesbian volleyball coach. The film often bridges genre borders, frequently passing between unintentionally comedic horror and horribly butchered comedy. No small feat there. The plot is questionable at best, and the camerawork may indeed induce nausea by the end of the film. The acting and dialogue often transcend even some of the worst adjectives ever used to describe a film. However, if you are not doubled over in laughter within 10 minutes, you clearly do not have the sense of humor that enjoys watching a movie so bad it probably would be considered crap even on NDtv standards.

Why guys will love it: Boobs.

Why girls will love it: The next time a murderous chef tries and succeeds to break into your sexy sorority party and cleave half of your teammates to death, you will know, after watching this film, how to handle the situation and choose your means of defense properly. A simple garden rake performed better in combat than a circular saw. (Now there’s something you just wouldn’t learn everyday, now would you?)

Scene will try to find something for those of you out there who just can’t stand the sight of ketchup being poorly used as blood for 90 minutes. We’ll explore another of the many genres for which these bastions of the film industry so valiantly fly their flag. Until then, remember, safety in numbers when partying in murderous chef-infested towns.

Contact Brian Koepsel at [email protected], Trevor Jackson at [email protected] and Fernando Rodriguez at [email protected]
The views expressed in this column are those of the authors and not necessarily those of The Observer.